Guilt

I don't want to be a mom today. I am fed up with it all right now. I love my kids, I love being a mom 99% of the time. Today is one of those 1% days. Luke, Caitlin and Jonathan have done nothing but ignore, disobey and disrespect today. I asked Caitlin to take two toys into the middle room and put them away and she stared at me and then said she didn't want to. I asked her 2 more times to do it and she walked away. She was sent to her room for that. Luke threw an absolute fit about getting ear drops, refused to pick up anything and ignored what I said. Johnny was the same. Last night Gabe was up at least once an hour, no exageration, screaming. So when I would finally get Jonathan or Luke (both of whom did not sleep well) calmed down and almost asleep, Gabe would get them riled up again. I haven't had decent sleep for weeks, I am feeling like I am failing at this mom thing, and I am angry at my kids. I feel so much guilt for the anger and that makes me feel even worse. This afternoon I had to go to the bank - just through the drive through. It should have been so easy, you'd think. They threw fits getting into the van, Luke refused to get into his seat and buckle up, Jonathan wouldn't sit, Caitlin didn't like where she was sitting, they yelled the whole way there....... I am so ready to give up right now. What am I doing wrong???? Right now they are all in their rooms. I gave myself a time out because I knew at least I would listen. They are playing without arguing right now, thank God for small blessings! Gabe comes home in a half hour. If today goes like every other schoolday, he will come home and be automatically mad at me for something. I swear if I breathe too loud he gets mad at me. I don't know what to do to make things better. I was at the store and saw Father's Day cards this morning and that made me start crying. I don't think I have gone long without tears today. Tonight is Pool Girl's night out and I don't get to go because of the kids and I can't ever find a babysitter. That makes me feel angry too. Then that makes me guilty. I am stuck in this never ending cycle. I could really use a night out! At least tomorrow is therapy and it looks as if I will have plenty to talk about! :) Maybe I will just print out this post and take it in.

Thanks for listening - actually reading. I hope that you all have a good day.