Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Because I know you all wondered what I'd look like as a Royal Canadian Mounted Policeperson....

I miss you guys. It isn't the same.... fb is nice, but the close relationships that I grew to love just aren't there like they are on here. I love you all and hope you are all doing super.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

I had it....

Well, I walked out of my job today. I didn't quit, I just said "I've had it and I am going home. Write me up, Fire me, I really don't care..." I sobbed the entire time I said it.
I have had hardly any sleep and there were several circumstances that led to my breaking point today. Please pray that I still have a job!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It's me!!!!!

Hi guys... no long post, but just wanted to say hi and give you all a smile. Carrie's message got me to thinking about blogging again. I miss the closeness I felt with you girls so very much. I love you all and I think about you often, even though I am terrible at showing it. I have some big updates to share, so if I can't sleep later maybe I'll do a post. I am off to work on cleaning right now. yippee.
lots of love!!!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Long Time no post....

Hi all,
I don't know if anyone even checks this anymore, but I figured I'd blog anyways.

It has been a roller coaster of a few months for me. I guess I will Update in number form.

1. Job- I am still working hard at the job. I am in shipping so I lug 50-75+ lb. boxes for 10-13 hours a day. I am getting quite muscular. It is very intense physical work, but I enjoy it. I get to forget about things for awhile and concentrate on the task at hand. I work with a good bunch of people, we go by family instead of team. So my supervisor is considered my Dad and my coworkers my brothers and sisters. Odd, right? The first time someone asked me where my dad was I answered "He died so he's in Heaven." Imagine the confusion that created! My favorite co-worker comes back from maternity leave at the end of the month and I can't wait.
2. Relationship- Sean has filed the papers for divorce. It is a long story as to why he did, but at least it is done. We both realized that it is unrepairable. I am happier than I have been in a long time and believe that this was the best decision I could make. It is tough, not having that spousal support, financially, and emotionally, but I am making the best of it. I believe that I am a better mother now as well.
No...I am not seeing anyone either. That is a question that has come up numerous times.
3. Health- I just got out of the hospital after a week stay. I don't remember much as I was on morphine and have really no recollection of most of the visit. Basically it was determined that my stomach acid is eating away my small intestine. They have taken several biopsies and results are pending. Also my stomach was inflamed as well as sections of my small intestine. It sounds worse than it is. As long as biopsy results are benign, and they believe they will be, it can be managed with medication. I am feeling better, although tired and a bit cranky.
4. Kids- Gabe started the 6th grade with a mouthful of braces. He looks so darn cute! He is struggling this year as he has in the past and we are looking into testing further for some things. Dyslexia is coming up as a possibility as he is reversing so much. That would actually be a blessing! We would have tools to help him! He also decided to play the Tuba in band so I have the sounds of a dairy farm in distress in my house every night. The trio are active second graders. It is so hard to believe that my babies are already that old! They are doing great in school. The boys have joined cub scouts, and Gabe boy scouts. Caitlin is interested in girl scouts also. They keep me so busy.
I guess that is it for now....I will try to be a bit more regular....

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Who am I?

That is the question a friend and I were discussing earlier in the week. I thought a bit and came up with what I thought was a pretty decent answer. I won't divulge it all - I want to remain a bit mysterious! But the gist of it was :
--I am a struggling Christian woman learning daily how to accept God's forgiveness as well as how to forgive myself, I am a mother of 4 that would lay down my life for my children's. I love passionately and hurt deeply. I would do anything I could to help out a friend and I would never turn my back on a stranger.--

Like I said, there was more, but that will remain the mystery that is Amanda.

These past few weeks I have experienced a myriad of emotions. I have been angry, hurt, depressed, happy, relieved, anxious, and puzzled to name a few. The whirlwind of emotions is reminiscent of what I felt after my dad died. Not knowing how to claim and accept the feelings, just having them fly around me. That lack of control is frightening. I don't like going almost manic. One minute happy the next angry..... Having no idea when the mood's will change. But that is what I have been dealing with. And it blows, big time.

Decisions that I have made lately have not come without great emotional cost for me and for my family. I had to weigh the effects of my choices carefully and in the end I believe I have done what is best. I have been shunned, I have been criticized, I have been called hurtful, hateful names. If I wasn't already broken, I would have been by those few people. God knows my heart. God knows my situation and He has placed people in my life at the right moments. I have been blessed with an amazing support system, somewhat surprising, but that is God. He does what He knows is best not what we think is.

I know that the description of who I am will change due to this time in my life. I think it is only going to get better. I am going to be able to say "I am a STRONG Christian woman who knows she is forgiven and who has forgiven herself!" I will see great moves in my life, whether it be in the form of a reconciled marriage, a new relationship, strong friendships... I will gain confidence, I will gain a love for me, and I will gain, most importantly, a beautiful relationship with God. I am confident of these things.

Friday, July 2, 2010

My dad

Times like this I really miss having my dad here. I can imagine sitting with him on the bench by their pond, watching the waterfall and fountain and having a heart to heart with him. He was the best listener when he wanted to be. He was also incredibly stubborn and if he believed he was right, there was no changing his mind.
My dad was a big man. Ultimately that is partly what led to his early death, but it also had it's good points. His hugs were always full and breathtaking! He could easily crush a body in his forearms! His belly was known as the magic belly. If you laid a fussy baby on it, in no time both the baby and my dad would be sound asleep. He came off on appearances alone as imposing and a bit scary to some, but if you got to know him, you knew that wasn't who he was. My dad had a booming, contagious laugh and smile. How he loved to laugh too!
I think I get my sense of adventure from my dad. He was always up for something. My parents honeymoon was a 6 week camping trip across Canada! He loved fishing, canoeing, and camping. My dad and grandpa built their own canoes. I can still picture them patiently steaming and bending the wood with their homemade steamer. It took weeks and months to build, but they were impressive show pieces. My dad also built a cider press that we would use every fall to make homemade apple cider while I was growing up. If my dad could imagine it, he could build it. He was amazing in his workshop.
For being such a big guy, my dad had a variety of activites and hobbies. When I was little he coached ice hockey. We used to ice skate at the pond behind what is now the Elks on 250. My dad would make my mom test the ice and then we would all go out and skate around and around. My dad loved to ice skate. He also played softball, golf, basketball, and pool. He played football in high school and later in college. He loved any sport. My dad also played the flute and piccolo in high school. No one teased him for it either!! He was an alternate to West Point, sang in the choir at church, coached countless sports, headed up comittees, and so on.
My dad loved to travel. We saw many states and countries growing up and then we we left home my parents did even more. Many would be surprised to learn that my dad and mom took a bike trek across the country on Denmark and rode bikes on a volcano in Hawaii. He loved riding bikes.
My dad was a special, special man. He would trade his rocky road ice cream for bubble gum that his daughter insisted she wanted. He would help anyone who asked. He loved life and he loved people. I think that is where I get a lot of it. I miss you Daddy and I love you!!