A thought...

I was thinking today of the promise I made with my sister in law, Angie, in December 05. I was in the hospital recovering from abdominal surgery and she came to see me and we talked for over 2 hours. We made a pact that night that 2006 was going to be our year of forgiveness and no grudges. We planned to keep each other accountable and really hold to this. Unfortunately Angie didn't live to keep that pact, she died from a severe brain hemmorage about 1 1/2 weeks later. So each year since I begin in the mindset of forgiveness and no grudges. It is not the easiest promise to hold to, but it is important to me to try my hardest. Lately I have been slipping. The forgiveness end of it I am okay with, it's the grudges that get me! Life is too short, and as I have witnessed too many times, it can be ended in an instant. I have really been working these past few weeks on repairing some relationships in my life. My sister in law Chrissy tops that list. I am making a real effort to build a relationship with her and finding that I enjoy and have missed seeing her. I am trying to not leave things unsaid and to make ammeds where I need to. There is a lot of conflict in Sean's family and because we choose to remain neutral and not take sides, we end up in the middle. I don't want to be there and neither does Sean. I am just going to keep loving them all, praying for them too and being open to them that we don't want to be placed in uncomfortable positions. I am working on my relationship with my mom and my sister as well. I desire to be closer to them and to feel like I belong instead of the feeling like an outsider. I tend to think others need to change instead of looking at myself first. I want to live life to the fullest and not have "if only's". I want my children to look to me as an example of how to live instead of how not too. In therapy last week we discussed again my deep fear of death. She asked me to describe how I thought others would remember me - how I want them to remember me. (It sounds morbid, but it ties into what we were talking about). I gave a description and then realized that it was more of who I wanted to be and not who I am.
I think along with the whole forgiveness aspect of things is also the need to be and know that I am forgiven for things I have done. I can fairly easily forgive, but I have a hard time accepting it. I know there are some of you that I have hurt by my actions and words, or inactions as the case may be. For that I am truly sorry.
I don't want this to be a fishing for compliments sounding post, or even a fishing for forgiveness one. This has been laying heavily on my heart and I wanted to write about it.