I had it....

Well, I walked out of my job today. I didn't quit, I just said "I've had it and I am going home. Write me up, Fire me, I really don't care..." I sobbed the entire time I said it.
I have had hardly any sleep and there were several circumstances that led to my breaking point today. Please pray that I still have a job!!

It's me!!!!!

Hi guys... no long post, but just wanted to say hi and give you all a smile. Carrie's message got me to thinking about blogging again. I miss the closeness I felt with you girls so very much. I love you all and I think about you often, even though I am terrible at showing it. I have some big updates to share, so if I can't sleep later maybe I'll do a post. I am off to work on cleaning right now. yippee.

lots of love!!!

Long Time no post....

Hi all,
I don't know if anyone even checks this anymore, but I figured I'd blog anyways.

It has been a roller coaster of a few months for me. I guess I will Update in number form.

1. Job- I am still working hard at the job. I am in shipping so I lug 50-75+ lb. boxes for 10-13 hours a day. I am getting quite muscular. It is very intense physical work, but I enjoy it. I get to forget about things for awhile and concentrate on the task at hand. I work with a good bunch of people, we go by family instead of team. So my supervisor is considered my Dad and my coworkers my brothers and sisters. Odd, right? The first time someone asked me where my dad was I answered "He died so he's in Heaven." Imagine the confusion that created! My favorite co-worker comes back from maternity leave at the end of the month and I can't wait.
2. Relationship- Sean has filed the papers for divorce. It is a long story as to why he did, but at least it is done. We both realized that it is unrepairable. I am happier than I have been in a long time and believe that this was the best decision I could make. It is tough, not having that spousal support, financially, and emotionally, but I am making the best of it. I believe that I am a better mother now as well.
No...I am not seeing anyone either. That is a question that has come up numerous times.
3. Health- I just got out of the hospital after a week stay. I don't remember much as I was on morphine and have really no recollection of most of the visit. Basically it was determined that my stomach acid is eating away my small intestine. They have taken several biopsies and results are pending. Also my stomach was inflamed as well as sections of my small intestine. It sounds worse than it is. As long as biopsy results are benign, and they believe they will be, it can be managed with medication. I am feeling better, although tired and a bit cranky.
4. Kids- Gabe started the 6th grade with a mouthful of braces. He looks so darn cute! He is struggling this year as he has in the past and we are looking into testing further for some things. Dyslexia is coming up as a possibility as he is reversing so much. That would actually be a blessing! We would have tools to help him! He also decided to play the Tuba in band so I have the sounds of a dairy farm in distress in my house every night. The trio are active second graders. It is so hard to believe that my babies are already that old! They are doing great in school. The boys have joined cub scouts, and Gabe boy scouts. Caitlin is interested in girl scouts also. They keep me so busy.
I guess that is it for now....I will try to be a bit more regular....

For Crystal

Who am I?

That is the question a friend and I were discussing earlier in the week. I thought a bit and came up with what I thought was a pretty decent answer. I won't divulge it all - I want to remain a bit mysterious! But the gist of it was :
--I am a struggling Christian woman learning daily how to accept God's forgiveness as well as how to forgive myself, I am a mother of 4 that would lay down my life for my children's. I love passionately and hurt deeply. I would do anything I could to help out a friend and I would never turn my back on a stranger.--

Like I said, there was more, but that will remain the mystery that is Amanda.

These past few weeks I have experienced a myriad of emotions. I have been angry, hurt, depressed, happy, relieved, anxious, and puzzled to name a few. The whirlwind of emotions is reminiscent of what I felt after my dad died. Not knowing how to claim and accept the feelings, just having them fly around me. That lack of control is frightening. I don't like going almost manic. One minute happy the next angry..... Having no idea when the mood's will change. But that is what I have been dealing with. And it blows, big time.

Decisions that I have made lately have not come without great emotional cost for me and for my family. I had to weigh the effects of my choices carefully and in the end I believe I have done what is best. I have been shunned, I have been criticized, I have been called hurtful, hateful names. If I wasn't already broken, I would have been by those few people. God knows my heart. God knows my situation and He has placed people in my life at the right moments. I have been blessed with an amazing support system, somewhat surprising, but that is God. He does what He knows is best not what we think is.

I know that the description of who I am will change due to this time in my life. I think it is only going to get better. I am going to be able to say "I am a STRONG Christian woman who knows she is forgiven and who has forgiven herself!" I will see great moves in my life, whether it be in the form of a reconciled marriage, a new relationship, strong friendships... I will gain confidence, I will gain a love for me, and I will gain, most importantly, a beautiful relationship with God. I am confident of these things.

My dad

Times like this I really miss having my dad here. I can imagine sitting with him on the bench by their pond, watching the waterfall and fountain and having a heart to heart with him. He was the best listener when he wanted to be. He was also incredibly stubborn and if he believed he was right, there was no changing his mind.
My dad was a big man. Ultimately that is partly what led to his early death, but it also had it's good points. His hugs were always full and breathtaking! He could easily crush a body in his forearms! His belly was known as the magic belly. If you laid a fussy baby on it, in no time both the baby and my dad would be sound asleep. He came off on appearances alone as imposing and a bit scary to some, but if you got to know him, you knew that wasn't who he was. My dad had a booming, contagious laugh and smile. How he loved to laugh too!
I think I get my sense of adventure from my dad. He was always up for something. My parents honeymoon was a 6 week camping trip across Canada! He loved fishing, canoeing, and camping. My dad and grandpa built their own canoes. I can still picture them patiently steaming and bending the wood with their homemade steamer. It took weeks and months to build, but they were impressive show pieces. My dad also built a cider press that we would use every fall to make homemade apple cider while I was growing up. If my dad could imagine it, he could build it. He was amazing in his workshop.
For being such a big guy, my dad had a variety of activites and hobbies. When I was little he coached ice hockey. We used to ice skate at the pond behind what is now the Elks on 250. My dad would make my mom test the ice and then we would all go out and skate around and around. My dad loved to ice skate. He also played softball, golf, basketball, and pool. He played football in high school and later in college. He loved any sport. My dad also played the flute and piccolo in high school. No one teased him for it either!! He was an alternate to West Point, sang in the choir at church, coached countless sports, headed up comittees, and so on.
My dad loved to travel. We saw many states and countries growing up and then we we left home my parents did even more. Many would be surprised to learn that my dad and mom took a bike trek across the country on Denmark and rode bikes on a volcano in Hawaii. He loved riding bikes.
My dad was a special, special man. He would trade his rocky road ice cream for bubble gum that his daughter insisted she wanted. He would help anyone who asked. He loved life and he loved people. I think that is where I get a lot of it. I miss you Daddy and I love you!!

Diversity

My life is an open book. The genre may change- some days I live trashy romance novels, some days it's horror, some days it is raw, unfiltered true drama. With me it's a toss up each morning what it will be.

At times I think my "open book policy" is a blessing, other days it is a royal pain in the butt! I don't hide my emotions well. I love with passion, I hurt deeply, joy is hard for me to disguise and so is sorrow. Long ago I learned that openly sharing things about myself can be a way God uses me. I have met wonderful people and have formed lasting bonds due to my willingness to share my experiences, my emotions, and to be accepting of other people.


I spent time considering this last night while I was on Facebook. My friends list is so diverse and each person on there is wonderful in their own way. I realized while just looking through the names that I have been blessed with great people in my life. I have countless friends who are missionaries - spending years serving God in Asia, Mexico, South America, and the U.S.. There are teachers, lawyers, doctors, muscians. I have a friend that left her job as a counselor to focus on writing full time, one who is president and founder of a very successful Celebrity PR firm in the UK and US. There is one who lives in Haiti and works for compassion international, an almost monk turned lawyer, teachers, laborers, nurses, moms, gay men, lesbians, antique dealers, Christians, aethiests..... They are all unique and wonderful people. Even Dennis, who I still have no clue who he is.

Turning down the chance at a friendship because I don't agree with a lifestyle, or religion, or any other difference would not be an option for me. You don't have to love what someone does to love them. I get teased for accepting some of the friend requests I have received on FB. There are people who were mean to me, those who I had no real friendship with growing up or who made my life miserable that friended me and I accepted most of them without hesitation. I don't regret for a minute that I did. I have been blessed with some new, surprising, and wonderful relationships! I believe that God brings people into our lives at times when he knows we will need them. That has been proven to me time and time again lately. I am so thankful for that!

Luke and Tanis floating on the raft

Writing Mrs. Andrews is great on the school playground

They made me laugh with their version of hopscotch

Such a lady!

Today is the first day of summer vacation. Gabe is at Cedar Point with Scott and the girls and the trio and I are getting ready to make freezer jam - sugar free strawberry!

Gabe worked so hard to earn $160.00 to purchase a Platinum pass. It gives him access to CP as well as soak city for this season. Also free parking, which is 10 bucks now!! This is his second trip there so far, so he has almost gotten his money's worth already.

I have a pig pen house to clean, I don't think I have washed dishes this week at all. Gross, I know.

Sorry for the dull post. I will get on later to do a better one!

Love you girls!!! (And guys too!)

Yummy.

Dear Lil Wayne,

You are too cute in this Kevin Rudolf video. I could just eat you up! No worries though, you are not on my diet, so I will refrain from eating you. I am sorry you are in jail right now - I hope you use the time to write songs and NOT to get more tattoos. I think you are running out of room on that cute little body of yours. Feel free to look me up when you are released. Maybe we can have lunch together.

You make me smile, Lil Wayne.

Love,

Amanda

And I think to myself - What a wonderful World

Forgive the writing! I am just trying to put down my random thoughts. No points for creativity here, but that's okay!!
After dropping the kids off at school this morning I drove to the reservoir and took a walk. I have been struggling with some things in my personal as well as spiritual life and needed some time to think and talk to God.
When I got there I parked and finished listening to my program on the radio (Elvis Duran had a funny phone tap this morning!) and watched birds getting frisky in front of my van. They were so funny, but I felt like a bit of a peeping pervert. I got out and started walking. Even though the nearest person was about 50 yards away, that self conciousness hit me immediately. I was ready to turn and walk back to the van when I caught a movement to the side of me. I turned and saw a fish jump. That little thing was enough to make me keep going. I walked as close to the edge as I dared and watched little wonders occuring. I saw a heron eating his breakfast and when I got close enough to cause him concern he took flight. The beautiful long necked bird flew just above the lake and his wing tips skimmed the top of the water leaving a trail behind him. I walked and watched until he was out of sight. Movement again caught my eye and I looked to see countless fish jumping! I figured it must have been breakfast for them too. As soon as one dropped out of sight another appeared. As I continued to walk I saw dragonflies chasing, butterflies, and small birds. When I turned around and walked back I looked down to see a snake gliding through the water beside me. It was at least 2 feet long and so graceful! It stayed with me for at least 50 feet.
I reached the point to turn to go back to the van and decided to keep going. On the other side there were schools of fish everywhere I looked! The sizes ranged from a few inches to minnows and they lined the shore. I passed a fisherman in his boat and exchanged smiles, waves and a few words. It made me think of my dad - he loved to fish. But instead of being sad I smiled at memories of Canada and fishing together on the Ottawa River. About a hundred yards later I watched as a pink mouth came out of the water, rolled, and went under again! I stopped, puzzled - I had no idea what it was. A woman walked up beside me and asked what I was looking at. I told her and she said that the carp were spawning and I probably saw one roll. I waited a few minutes to see if I could see it again, but nothing happened. So I continued on. I reached the bridge and looked down and saw a huge fish swimming in circles. By this point I was grinning like a fool just so happy and in awe of everything I was seeing! I turned around and decided to walk through a field and around some trees. When I cleared the first turn there were several families of geese with babies!!
I walked back up to the path, praising God for his creations and reminiscing about time with my dad. I passed back by the fisherman and spoke a bit more and then continued on. When I looked up I saw a heavyset man with a cane walking perpendicular to me a couple hundred yards ahead. From that distance he looked just like my dad! I know it wasn't, but it made me smile just to think that maybe my dad was looking down watching me this morning.
When I got back to the van, I climbed in and checked my pedometer. I had walked approx. 4,000 steps which is almost half my minimum daily goal!
I was so thankful for the beauty I encountered this morning. I can't tell you the wonders it did for my attitude and outlook as well!
I hope you guys have a fantastic day! Love you all!!

McBride Arboretum

Running back to the car

Trying to spy fish

Too close to the edge for my comfort!!

Johnny and Luke wanted to pose with the woman's picture that the terrace was named after.

If you look close enough you can see the fish. They thought we had food and kept coming up to the surface.

I said if we are quiet we can sneak up and see the geese up close. So the kids took off running and honking.

Poking the frog.

This guy was HUGE!!!!!

I took my 4 and my sister's 2 to Firelands last week to walk around the Arboretum. The flowers were not blooming yet and it still looked bare, but it was a gorgeous day and we had a fun time walking around the lake seeing fish, geese, and the biggest frog I have ever seen outside of the zoo!

I am looking forward to this fall when they have a garden day where there are artists set up all over painting and we do a nature scavenger hunt. The kids enjoy it so much.

Wassa happenin hotstuff?

Hey ya'll. So did NOBODY get my Family Guy reference in the previous post? Peter calls Valerie Bertanelli, Valerie Bert and Ernie. It makes me chuckle every time I think of it. Who can get the movie this title is from? Anyone?
This last week was a busy one. I took 6 kids to McBride Arboretum to walk around the lake, chase geese, and poke huge frogs. I helped 2.5 kids learn to ride bikes - Johnny is almost there! We discovered the joys of street (driveway) tennis on our hotpink new to us set. I hosted a 2 night "Nighttime Tinkle Party" which was a rip roaring success?? (Keep yours eyes open for the next one! ) I found the Cholera Cemetary, ate Chinese food, cleaned my bedroom and closet, had girl time with Caitlin, patched up countless boo-boo's on Luke from the bike learning, sewed patches on jeans, cleaned up numerous spills and one flooded bathroom, went garage sale-ing, chatted with old friends, took lots of pictures, learned my mom's dog might quite possibly be a lesbian (another post in itself!)..... It was a whirlwind week of fun and not so much fun adventures.
This week holds promises of being just as fun!!!

Valerie Bert and Ernie

At the Fire Station

Only a cruel mommy would snap a shot after her baby hit her face on the trampoline! This is before the swelling really started. This picture breaks my heart, but she looks so darn sweet!

Gabe and I after a lengthy hike

Total Daddy's girl!

I think my thighs shrunk a millimeter this morning. They burn like they did! I am really trying to get in gear with serious exercising. My eating has been whacko, but I have had a rough visit this month. ahem. I hope you know what I mean! Not to use excuses, but that can really, really throw everything!

I am busy cleaning as always. Still finding beads and sequins all over the place! I am going to attempt another craft tonight if they are good. We didn't have a great morning with behavior, so I am hoping tonight is better.

I'll post later, gotta run!!

I have decided that I am a real nut job.
What made me decide this?

The fact that I thought it would be a great idea to have a craft night with my kids.
Saturday night went well, we made hats and bags. They used glitter glue and sequins and had a ball.

Sunday we tried again. Three of the four got beads stuck up their noses. Sadly, my 11 year old was one of the three. Then they jammed beads into their belly buttons so they stuck there. I called it a night when I heard "Don't put sequins on my p#$is. WHAT?????

They have been begging me to do more crafts. I don't know if I can take it! I spent all last night crawling around on my hands and knees digging beads and sequins out of every nook and cranny! I have to take the covers off the heating vents still!

Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on who you ask) I am stupid enough to try it again! I always figure it can't be as bad as the last time....

Some Pictures to please the post nazi!!!

My goofy boys. I think Luke looks so sweet here!

Caitlin and Mommy. Ignore how swollen my hands are. That is why I didn't put it on FB! They look grotesque!

I love the crack!!!

My nieces, Carmen and Scarlett at a KISS tribute band concert.

Char - here is my latest project all finished!

I am happy because....

*I have found the joy in cross stitching again. :) I am sure you saw the picture I posted on Facebook. My mom had it matted and framed for our anniversary. The framing shop costs an arm and a leg. I called Lura and Victoria to make sure I wasn't being taken! It was $97.00 plus tax! I was guessing $50.00 at the most. I am entering it into the fair this summer.

*I have found friendships that I never imagined I would have. One in particular is with a person from my class in high school. In him I have found a supportive, caring, God following/loving/fearing friend. It is amazing the people God will bring into our lives! I also got reconnected with some college friends. It is funny how you can live with people for so long and still not know things about them! I am forming bonds again with some of them and I am grateful to God for those relationships also!

*I am thankful for the laughter Crystal gave me tonight! I sat at my computer in danger of wetting my pants from laughter. Love you Crys!!!

*My friend, Blanche (not the one from the Golden Girls) posted a link to a Joyce Meyer article. Some of you may know I don't always get the point intended by the message. A good example is trying to read Dr. Dobson and only getting that I should kill birds and die while saying grace. This article, I posted the link on FB, really spoke to me! I got from it what I was supposed to and probably more! When Blanche originally posted the article, she put on it that she thought I needed to read it. If she hadn't I probably wouldn't have.

*I am tickled by Urban Dictionary. Someone, I won't mention her name (Uralay) turned me on to it by finding the word Gynosplurge. Look it up! It is gross, but made me chuckle. Since then I have found many useful (?) words to use in everyday conversation.

*I am thankful for my children's health and spirits of adventure. We are planning some fun excursions this weekend - me with the trio and Sean and Gabe. Sean got tickets and pit passes to the racetrack from someone at work, so he and Gabe are having bonding time.

*the support I am finding in my weight loss journey has been amazing. From an ex boyfriend to aqquaintances to wonderful friends! Thank you to Kevin for the uplifting chat and Alan Alda ecard (which was a high point in my day, by the way!).

*Sean and I are may have some good news soon. I can't say much about it only to tell you it does NOT involve kids!!!!

*I beat someone (not Cheryl, I would never brag about beating Cheryl!!! Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl....) in Scrabble. Cheryl.

*It is almost summer and even though I moan and complain, I am looking forward to the kids being home!

I could keep going, but I have work to do. Love to you all!!!

From the Heart

Recently I was faced with the chore of making a difficult decision. It is not something I took lightly, nor did I make a hasty choice. Rather I spent hours agonizing over the decision and praying. I weighed pros and cons, I thought about how the decision would affect my family, my self esteem, etc. It was one of the more difficult choices I have had to make in a long time.

Do I feel I made the right call? Yes I do. Can I say with absolute certainty that I feel there was no other option? Yes I can. Am I ashamed? Embarrassed? Yes, I WAS. Now I realize that I did what I had to do.

I whole heartedly believe that I did what God wanted. Maybe the lesson in this was not for me to be employed, but for me to be humbled. For me to have to face fears, admit flaws, face reproach from my peers, and for me to fully lean on God for His understanding, peace, and mercy. And I am doing that.

I realize from this experience and from the words of more than one person that I really do look to everyone else for approval. I feel I need other's support in every aspect of my life. I am so afraid of hurting someone else by my decisions and actions that I end up hurting myself. I can sit and name several reasons why I do this. I could write a laundry list of people who could be at fault. But that would be passing the blame. The one who is responsible is me.

In the past I made attempts on my own life. There were many reasons, but if I really examine who I was at that time and how I was, I can see that I was living for other people. I wasn't living for Amanda. I so desperately wanted to be accepted and liked that when I wasn't I took it to extremes. Years of counseling and medications got me past the self hurt point, but did it really get me past the way of thinking?

Recent events have definitely proven that I am still the Amanda from years ago. I still seek that approval, need that pat on the back. I need to be reassured that the decisions I make are what's right. When I make a decision what is the first thing I do? Run to others and make sure I am making the right choice. That is no way to live. I need to learn to respect myself and my own opinions. I need to learn that I have to please God, first of all and then myself.

My family fits in there too, but I don't NEED my entire family's ok. I WANT it. When I don't get it that self hate comes right back into play and knocks me down further and further. I want to experience life without constantly looking for that nod.

I know this is probably a jumbled mess of thoughts, but you know what? That is Okay with me!!
I am not going to change overnight. It may be a process that takes months or years. I am a work in progress. I will embrace each stage as it comes and love myself for who I am in the moment.

Happy Friday to You!

Gabe telling me that he thinks he is too big to see saw with Caitlin

Apparantly this is what happens when my back is turned...

Brotherly Love

Caitlin and Jonathan

Gabe, Jonathan, Luke, Tanis, and Caitlin

Here are some pics of random things. I'll write an actual post later. :)

The Past Week...

A week ago today I ended up in the hospital. It was a scary bit of time.
I had had a constant headache for about a week and a half that also included dizziness, nausea, and blurred vision. I wasn't making a doctor's appointment for just a headache, so I kept up a constant regimin of motrin every 4-6 hours. Wednesday Sean and I did some errands and were in the van when my left arm went completely numb. I wasn't too freaked out because I had no chest pains at all. Then my tounge went numb, like someone had shot it with novacaine. I thought it would be a good idea to call the dr. for an appointment and they told me to go directly to the ER. On the drive there I lifted my left arm to brush the hair out of my eyes and found I couldn't make my hand work. I knew what I wanted it to do, but I couldn't do it. I had no control over it! Now that scared me!!
I got checked into the ER and they started tests immediately. I had a CAT scan and lab work but the scan was clear. Two dr's came in and several nurses and examined me again. They told me that it appeared I had a minor stroke but needed further testing so they were admitting me. First they wanted to put in an IV. Whooppe. I am not bothered by needles at all, so I don't mind - but my veins are deep, rolling, and impossible to find. I don't know how many times I was stuck, shoulders, hands, and arms until they called in a cardiac nurse to do an ultra sound guided iv. That went without a hitch. By this time I had a killer headache, but an anuerism (sp?) had been ruled out and I could barely see along with the numbness in my arm and tounge.
I had to share a room with a hard of hearing 90 year old woman who provided me with lots of entertainment. But at least I could keep my side dark and block my ears with pillows. That night my IV infiltrated which then it had to be pulled at 4 in the morning. I couldn't sleep so I just laid there with a cold cloth on my head to help the ache. The next day I had 2 MRI's of my brain, a cardiac ultrasound, and ultrasound on my caratoid arteries on either side of my neck, an EKG, and an EEG. It was not the best day. Then another cardiac nurse came in to put a midline IV in that ran from mid upper arm to my shoulder. It was quite a procedure and I thank God for Lydocaine!! I also had to meet with occupational therapists, physicl therapists, and speech therapists daily.
The test results showed no stroke, PRAISE THE LORD!!! The 4 neurologists and internist decided that I was having a complex migraine that had somehow triggered a type of parlysis in my left side. I have weakness in my arm and leg and am on a daily exercise schedule. Today I was finally able to focus enough to drive and get on the computer. I still feel foggy and have moments of dizziness, but nothing as bad as it was. Oh, I also had a sinus infection and inner ear infections.
I meet with the Neurologist next week to figure out a treatment course as they said it would most likely happen again. At least I will be prepared! Thanks for the prayers and support! Love you guys.

Random Goofy stuff

Gabe played a member of the Elephant troupe in the drama club's production of The Jungle Book at school last night. He was too embarassed to have his picture taken, so I managed to get this while he tied his shoes. He did an awesome job and we are so proud of him!

The stairs are always the happenin' place to be at Auntie Victoria's. Here Tanis and the triplets race down them to go bananas in the playroom!

I took Luke, Caitlin, Gabe, Carmen, Scarlett, and Johnny to the park last Friday. They had a ball playing in the warmer temperatures. This is the most awesome playarea and it is rarely busy.

Johnny, Caitlin, and Luke waiting for the play to begin.

Gretchen telling everyone she is finished with her first birthday cupcake!

Old Grandma blowing out all 90 candles on her cake. The heat was intense! My mom also made 4 kinds of pie to go with the lemon cream cake.

Me showing Sean how to look tough.

Sean looking tough ? I think I was scarier, although he had the head wrap goin' on.

I don't want to be a hypocrite....

Is that what I would be?? I can't very well complain about how blogworld is and then do nothing about it myself. So here is a newsy post.

As I type this I am multitasking. Doing laundry, cleaning, and yelling at the triplets to go to bed!!! They are in there yaking away to each other. Caitlin is refusing to sleep in her own room again, so she bunks with the boys. Why did we even bother giving her her own room? Bedtime has been driving me nuts. I think I am just so worn out by the end of the day that I have no patience left.

I hope you all saw the great pics on Facebook of my day with Lura. Our tradition is to go out on each others birthdays, or close to it, and spend the day together. We started this year at Panera for breakfast and had delicious pastries and bagels. Then we began the great Thriftapalooza. I made out big at the first one as I found 2 Charlie Bone books for 76 cents apiece!! I am building that collection for Gabe (and myself!) I also got the trio some books. Then we went on to our favorite stop, Faroah's chocolates. We got our 12 pieces and enjoyed them throughout the rest of the day and also got a few goodies to take home. I personally loved the chocolate covered potato chips! On we went to the waterfront, stopped at a park for some photos, and then parked the car to walk a bit. We stopped in the alley for the traditional shot and then went into the wooden apple. Kind of an indoor small flea market. I don't think either of us were successful here and the people were kind of creepy. Next was The Salvation Army thrift store and then TGIFriday's for lunch and laughter. We made stops at the Huron Goodwill, Lake Erie, and Norwalk GW. I got Caitlin a huge purple feather boa and Jasmine high heeled shoes which she adores! It is always so sad when the day ends because we have a ball and enjoy just being dorks together.

Oh~exciting news......Sandusky is finally getting a Sonic!! I am thrilled for the happy hour diet cokes!!!!

Today I went to Sandusky to go to the Red Raven bookstore which is closing at the end of the month. I guess the owners are moving to Florida and opening a dog grooming business. Kind of a drastic career change! They had thousands of books in boxes and bins and you filled a bag for $4.oo. I found 2 more Charlie Bone books, several kid early readers, and about 8 books for myself. I could have spent hours going through the boxes. It was so unorganized, but treasures were hidden I am sure!

I had a clutzy moment last week. Anyone surprised? I went out to get the paper and was walking back to the house reading the front page. Apparantly this was a bad idea because I kicked the step and broke my middle toe on my left foot. It hurt! Sean was a little low in the sympathy department on that one. It feels much better now and the swelling has gone down a lot.

Victoria's little girl, Gretchen, turned one yesterday. It seems impossible to me that she is that old already! Time has just flown. She is a beautiful little girl and I have loved getting to watch her grow from the start. Vic and Tim moved shortly after the twins were born and Andrew was born in Willoughby, so I missed out on their early years. I am so glad to get to be here for Gretchen's! What a blessing she is.

Gabe is in the 5th and 6th grade drama club and they are performing The Jungle Book on Tuesday. This is his first time ever in a play, with the exception of church, and I am so excited for him! He is in the elephant troop. I can't wait!!

He also has started orthodontics. Right now he has an expander that Sean turns with a key each day and a bite block. You can't really understand him too well and he drools constantly! He is pretty miserable, but we keep reminding him that it will all be worth it. He has had some bleeding between the two front teeth which I imagine is from the shifting and lots of achiness. The dr. said he expects this process to last 5 months.

The trio are growing like weeds and making me nutsy. They need spring to get here so they can play outside!!

I have much more to say, but laundry is calling.....

Ya'll are a bunch of wise guys....

I thought I would try this again. I still don't know what happened last time, but boy was I steamed! I typed several paragraphs of deep, profound, enlightening information. You know that is true, right?!!
I came to a realization last night. I miss blogworld from 2 years ago. I was rereading old posts while trying to look for a picture and got misty eyed. The posts were newsy, fun to read - at times sad too, and the comment sections were full of jokes, support, laughter inducing quips. I miss that. I miss that on all our blogs. So much has changed. I guess I have to accept that and move on. I can try to be newsy again, I enjoyed rereading those things and being remiNded of forgotten moments.
I am in one of those moods where I hate change. I crave stability and certainty. Ever since my dad died and we started with financial issues I have needed that. When I was in counseling that was something we talked about a lot. Losing my dad and my aunts and then my sister in law made everything feel shaky. I worried so much about death and I still do. Then when the financial security rug was yanked out from under us I just about collapsed. Also when my health went downhill it was another sign that nothing is guaranteed. That was a scary time. I was losing on average 20 pounds a month, couldn't tolerate most foods, and was in unimaginable pain. It was a horrendous time. Not just for me, but for my family. I spent my days in constant fear of the unknown. I remember taking xanax on top of all the other medications and just praying for those 15 minutes it took to take effect. The relief it provided was wonderful, albeit just a temporary bandaid. I lived in fear of everything. I remember coming home after my second abdominal surgery and getting off the couch to go to the bathroom. When I stood up my clothes felt wet and I looked down to see my incision had ruptured because my stomach was so swollen, and fluid was gushing out of the hole in my abdomen and puddling on the floor. That moment I was faced with uncertainty. I had no idea what was happening, it hurt like hell, and I was terrified. I thought I was dying. Another time I was in the hospital and the nurses had overmedicated me. They called Sean and my mom and had them come to keep me awake because if I had gone to sleep I might not have woken back up. Talk about Fear!!! If it had been pills they could have pumped my stomach, but this was IV medication they had overdosed me on. They had me up and walking and turned the speed up on the IV full force to flush my system.
What I am getting at is between the experiences I have had and the loss of so many close to me I can justify my fear of death. I know that the Bible has lots of verses on fear. I have read them all, I just can't find the comfort in them. There are some nights I am terrified to go to bed because I am afraid of not waking up. I have not taken Xanax for years, but do take Ativan on a regular basis. Some days I get so angry at my dad and my sister in law, Angie for dying the way they did. They were examples that tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Well, this post did not go as planned. I have so much more to say and much that has nothing to do with this.
I was trying to say that I miss you all.

New Post, of sorts...

God's Hands

I am at a point in my life where I need to make a decision and I am stuck. I am completely lost as to what I need to and/or want to do. I am just about done with my course (I am stuck on the last 2 projects and spent an hour sobbing about it yesterday.) and need to look into a job. Yesterday as I was talking to Sean I told him I feel completely unprepared. I haven't retained much information nor do I feel like I got much out of the class. I am a hands on learner and this didn't provide that opportunity. I would be lost if you put me in front of a computer with Excel or Powerpoint and said to use it. But this is what I had to do. We couldn't afford any other option. To take the class through a school it was $735 a month and I didn't qualify for financial aid because there were not enough hours.

We have since found some resources out there that might help us with the cost and Sean wants me to look at taking a course through the school again. A big part of me wants to and is excited at the idea of it, but a part feels it would be selfish and a mistake. I would be spending about a year in school to get the certfication I need.

I am at a loss. I am trying so hard to put it in God's hands, but don't know how.

How can you not love these kids!

When I downloaded the pictures I saw Gabe wasn't in most of them, then I looked and realized that they are of playdates and Gabe always opts to go somewhere else....can you blame him?! All the 6 year and under kiddos would drive any 11 year old crazy!!!!
Andrew chewing away and Steven

I believe it is Batman Tanis and Obi Wan Steven

Jakob aka Indiana Spiderman who doubles as a Mexican Wrestler....

Batman Luke

Cailtin, Tanis, Tyler, Jonathan, Luke, Ethan, and Isaiah

Zay's tonsils

Jonathan. This picture makes me smile!!

Caitlin and Gretchen

The little Squirt, Gretchen

Tanis and Caitlin. Look where Tanis has his eyes....

Tanis in the outfit HE chose. It was not my doing Kellie and Brian! I swear!!

Gabe, Caitlin, Luke, Jonathan and their family of snowmen.