That is the question a friend and I were discussing earlier in the week. I thought a bit and came up with what I thought was a pretty decent answer. I won't divulge it all - I want to remain a bit mysterious! But the gist of it was :
--I am a struggling Christian woman learning daily how to accept God's forgiveness as well as how to forgive myself, I am a mother of 4 that would lay down my life for my children's. I love passionately and hurt deeply. I would do anything I could to help out a friend and I would never turn my back on a stranger.--
Like I said, there was more, but that will remain the mystery that is Amanda.
These past few weeks I have experienced a myriad of emotions. I have been angry, hurt, depressed, happy, relieved, anxious, and puzzled to name a few. The whirlwind of emotions is reminiscent of what I felt after my dad died. Not knowing how to claim and accept the feelings, just having them fly around me. That lack of control is frightening. I don't like going almost manic. One minute happy the next angry..... Having no idea when the mood's will change. But that is what I have been dealing with. And it blows, big time.
Decisions that I have made lately have not come without great emotional cost for me and for my family. I had to weigh the effects of my choices carefully and in the end I believe I have done what is best. I have been shunned, I have been criticized, I have been called hurtful, hateful names. If I wasn't already broken, I would have been by those few people. God knows my heart. God knows my situation and He has placed people in my life at the right moments. I have been blessed with an amazing support system, somewhat surprising, but that is God. He does what He knows is best not what we think is.
I know that the description of who I am will change due to this time in my life. I think it is only going to get better. I am going to be able to say "I am a STRONG Christian woman who knows she is forgiven and who has forgiven herself!" I will see great moves in my life, whether it be in the form of a reconciled marriage, a new relationship, strong friendships... I will gain confidence, I will gain a love for me, and I will gain, most importantly, a beautiful relationship with God. I am confident of these things.
6 comments:
Still praying
Great post Amanda. I too learned alot about myself thru my separatin and divorce process. You can't pay attention to the people who wanna tear you down. You beat yourself up enough as it is and so did I. Leaving a marriage is painful and hard and the most difficult thing I ever had to go thru. You want so badly to feel what you are "supposed" t feel and be able to provide the family that everyone expects you to but when you have been thru so much hurt and turmoil and most of the turmoil and pain is from the personal stuff that we don't share with alot of people so they do not understand. Its so hard! But I tell ya this, I have learned who my true friends are and am very very Blessed with the people who are in my life just as you are. I don't know what I would have done without them.
The truth is Amanda, leaving a marriage is a loss, not a death of a loved one but a loss just the same. A loss for you, for Sean, and for your children. Everyone is a ball of different emotions and everyone needs time to adjust and settle things in their own heads and hearts. It takes a while but if its the right thing for you, then it will all fall into place. It has for me and whether you repair your marriage or leave it, I want that same peace for you. I love you, support you, and am here for you.
you are a fantastic friend. you are a wonderful person who is loving and kind to everyone she meets. you are a klutz, but you are able to laugh at yourself and keep on trying. you are stronger than you let yourself believe. you will learn from this, and you will be a better you because of it. just remember "you go nowhere by accident." God has put you here, and God will help see you through.
I think of you everyday and I pray for you and your family to get through this .
So sorry you are so hurt, angry, dperessed, sad, happy....
I like who you are!
I hope you are doing well today. I think of you often!
I support you.
I am here for you.
I am Charity. :)
posty post post sista girl!
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