Ya'll are a bunch of wise guys....

I thought I would try this again. I still don't know what happened last time, but boy was I steamed! I typed several paragraphs of deep, profound, enlightening information. You know that is true, right?!!
I came to a realization last night. I miss blogworld from 2 years ago. I was rereading old posts while trying to look for a picture and got misty eyed. The posts were newsy, fun to read - at times sad too, and the comment sections were full of jokes, support, laughter inducing quips. I miss that. I miss that on all our blogs. So much has changed. I guess I have to accept that and move on. I can try to be newsy again, I enjoyed rereading those things and being remiNded of forgotten moments.
I am in one of those moods where I hate change. I crave stability and certainty. Ever since my dad died and we started with financial issues I have needed that. When I was in counseling that was something we talked about a lot. Losing my dad and my aunts and then my sister in law made everything feel shaky. I worried so much about death and I still do. Then when the financial security rug was yanked out from under us I just about collapsed. Also when my health went downhill it was another sign that nothing is guaranteed. That was a scary time. I was losing on average 20 pounds a month, couldn't tolerate most foods, and was in unimaginable pain. It was a horrendous time. Not just for me, but for my family. I spent my days in constant fear of the unknown. I remember taking xanax on top of all the other medications and just praying for those 15 minutes it took to take effect. The relief it provided was wonderful, albeit just a temporary bandaid. I lived in fear of everything. I remember coming home after my second abdominal surgery and getting off the couch to go to the bathroom. When I stood up my clothes felt wet and I looked down to see my incision had ruptured because my stomach was so swollen, and fluid was gushing out of the hole in my abdomen and puddling on the floor. That moment I was faced with uncertainty. I had no idea what was happening, it hurt like hell, and I was terrified. I thought I was dying. Another time I was in the hospital and the nurses had overmedicated me. They called Sean and my mom and had them come to keep me awake because if I had gone to sleep I might not have woken back up. Talk about Fear!!! If it had been pills they could have pumped my stomach, but this was IV medication they had overdosed me on. They had me up and walking and turned the speed up on the IV full force to flush my system.
What I am getting at is between the experiences I have had and the loss of so many close to me I can justify my fear of death. I know that the Bible has lots of verses on fear. I have read them all, I just can't find the comfort in them. There are some nights I am terrified to go to bed because I am afraid of not waking up. I have not taken Xanax for years, but do take Ativan on a regular basis. Some days I get so angry at my dad and my sister in law, Angie for dying the way they did. They were examples that tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Well, this post did not go as planned. I have so much more to say and much that has nothing to do with this.
I was trying to say that I miss you all.