Recently I was faced with the chore of making a difficult decision. It is not something I took lightly, nor did I make a hasty choice. Rather I spent hours agonizing over the decision and praying. I weighed pros and cons, I thought about how the decision would affect my family, my self esteem, etc. It was one of the more difficult choices I have had to make in a long time.
Do I feel I made the right call? Yes I do. Can I say with absolute certainty that I feel there was no other option? Yes I can. Am I ashamed? Embarrassed? Yes, I WAS. Now I realize that I did what I had to do.
I whole heartedly believe that I did what God wanted. Maybe the lesson in this was not for me to be employed, but for me to be humbled. For me to have to face fears, admit flaws, face reproach from my peers, and for me to fully lean on God for His understanding, peace, and mercy. And I am doing that.
I realize from this experience and from the words of more than one person that I really do look to everyone else for approval. I feel I need other's support in every aspect of my life. I am so afraid of hurting someone else by my decisions and actions that I end up hurting myself. I can sit and name several reasons why I do this. I could write a laundry list of people who could be at fault. But that would be passing the blame. The one who is responsible is me.
In the past I made attempts on my own life. There were many reasons, but if I really examine who I was at that time and how I was, I can see that I was living for other people. I wasn't living for Amanda. I so desperately wanted to be accepted and liked that when I wasn't I took it to extremes. Years of counseling and medications got me past the self hurt point, but did it really get me past the way of thinking?
Recent events have definitely proven that I am still the Amanda from years ago. I still seek that approval, need that pat on the back. I need to be reassured that the decisions I make are what's right. When I make a decision what is the first thing I do? Run to others and make sure I am making the right choice. That is no way to live. I need to learn to respect myself and my own opinions. I need to learn that I have to please God, first of all and then myself.
My family fits in there too, but I don't NEED my entire family's ok. I WANT it. When I don't get it that self hate comes right back into play and knocks me down further and further. I want to experience life without constantly looking for that nod.
I know this is probably a jumbled mess of thoughts, but you know what? That is Okay with me!!
I am not going to change overnight. It may be a process that takes months or years. I am a work in progress. I will embrace each stage as it comes and love myself for who I am in the moment.
4 comments:
I am totally clueless about what happened as I obviously came too late for all the details. But, regardless I am glad you are making positive changes in your life.
One way to look at it is how I do now. For so long I was disappointed over and over when people failed me or did not put 100 percent into anything for ME. When i felt it was okay to be selfish sometimes and think about ME more, I realized that other than God, no one else will ever take care of me, like me. No one else has all that I have invested in me. You can be both. You can be a good person adn still look out for yourself.
I'm glad you made a decision that you are happy with and that you made for YOU! I understand what you are saying.
We are all works in progress, ya know. I know i'm not done improving myself and I never will be. Good luck with your "new life". :-)
I really love this post. I think alot of usstruggle with always making our decisions on others and not based on whats also in our own best interest. I commend u for having the strength to make your own decision despite what other people may think about it. You are the one who has to live with your choices, not everyone else. You know i always support any decision to make and love u to pieces! Good for u AP! I am so proud of you!
I am happy you are doing the things that you need to do for yourself. I really enjoyed reading yoru post.
Post a Comment