I have trouble expressing my feelings and thoughts in a "public forum" like this, but I feel the need to share something. I hope my words can convey my thoughts and you can understand what I am trying to say.

I had intended for my next post to be my special post#2, but that will come a bit later. I wanted to share what has been on my mind. There has been discussion on other blogs lately about some things that frankly have bothered me. Not so much the topics, but how I felt after reading them. Now I am famous for my ability(?) to read something and come away from it with the wrong idea...i.e. Dr. Dobson's Dare to Discipline where all I got from it was he recommended killing birds, and that the best way to die is to keel over while saying grace at the dinner table. So maybe I am way off base, but here goes.

I am a Christian, albeit a struggling one, but I am a Christian. My faith really took a hit when my dad died. I never turned my back on God, but I had and truthfully still have a lot of hurt and anger. It will be 4 years tomorrow and I have yet to fully repair my relationship with God. I am trying, I want to have to have that peace in my heart and my life that only He can bring, I just can't seem to grasp it. Sometimes I feel my prayers are just falling on deaf ears and I feel deserted. I deal with the thoughts of God turning His back on me because of my anger with Him. I want it, I just can't seem to get it.

The discussions on other people's blogs and actions of people have affected me in the following ways. I feel that I am a bad mother, Christian, etc. because I send my children to public school and because my kids all play sports. I hope that this is not the message that was being sent, but that is what I got from it. If me, a struggling Christian, got that from reading it, imagine what a non-christian or someone in my shoes got from it. Were they just turned off from God all together because they aren't or can't live up to those standards? I guess I don't understand some of the reasoning behind things that were said. Am I less of a parent because I don't homeschool? Am I doing my kids a disservice? Maybe some of the things were written on the defensive. That is a message I got as well. Did people (I am referring to comments by others that were cited- not ones made by any of you- at this point) feel that their ideas were being questioned and wanted to justify their actions? Also, I have really been struggling with people who claim to be christians that won't forgive grudges, or that belittle you-unintentionally as it may be, because you don't live up to what they think is the ideal as a parent, friend, Christian, daughter, sister..... I guess you could pretty much fill in the blank on that one. Why can't people accept that everyone is different?

I can only say I am sorry so much before it is no longer sincere. I can't take back actions or words that may have hurt someone. If they are a Christian, aren't they supposed to forgive? Or shouldn't they listen to the person who upset them and hear reasons behind the actions or words? I can't take back having pre-marital sex, drinking excessively, saying hurtful things, not being prompt with things. I can only learn from the mistakes I have made.

I am not able to quote scripture, but I always thought that as Christians we were supposed to love, forgive, and accept. I shouldn't have to go anywhere, especially to church wondering if I am going to be looked down upon because my kids aren't in brand name clothes, or my shoes are falling apart. I am guilty of my own "judging" of others and of myself, and this is something I am struggling with. I try to horribly justify my words with reasoning of "it makes me feel better about myself to think or say that..." I am guilty of judging a friend of mine on her choices. The same things that I complain of I find myself doing. If I were a strong Christian, would I do that?

I guess that is all I have to say. I hope that I was able to adequately enough express my thoughts.
This post was a big step for me in conquering my fears.
Thanks for listening.