This post has a lot of I's in it...

Tonight was a bad night.
It's one of those times when the kid's behavior sucked and I put all the blame on myself. That is not a bright idea because then the anger builds up greater. By a quarter to 8:00 I lost it. I had made a pan of bar cookies and was planning on sitting down with the kids and watching the new ICarly. It is all they talked about this afternoon and evening. Actually all week.
I had it after the squirt guns in the house, the vacuum attachments being thrown at my corner cabinet full of special things, the living room being trashed, Sean's grandma's chair being broken again.... I tried to keep my cool and I failed miserably. After several time outs and talks, I put them to bed and walked out. I don't even remember now what was said, but it was the last straw. I grabbed one of the kitchen stools and threw it to the floor as hard as I could. Nothing broke, but it was wrong of me to do. Then I went, almost full blown anxiety attack, and sat on my bed and tried to pray.
After I cooled off I went in and talked to the kids as calmly as I could. I apologized and told them I was wrong for throwing the stool - it was my temper tantrum and it was a bad thing to do and a bad example to set for them. Then I tried to talk to them about their actions. I don't know if any of it sunk in, but I let them come out and sit with me and watch ICarly. The boys did okay, Caitlin ended up going out to the kitchen and trying to eat part of the cookie and lied to me, so she got put in bed. You would have thought the neighbor's would have called the police with the way she carried on and screamed.
They are all in bed now, I put them in at 9 and it is 9:22 and they are still going strong.
I am so tired and so frustrated.
I always put the blame on myself and figure that I must be a bad mom because they behave this way. I don't think that it is entirely my fault. I need to be responsible for some, but not all.
I am just lost and sad. I am disappointed. I am frustrated.
Sean is mad at me for me losing my temper and I don't blame him. I don't know if he will even talk to me before going to bed or not. He is asleep now, who knows if he will wake up or not to talk to me.
I really dislike my life right now. The fighting, the crying, the not listening.... I try so hard to be a good mom and I just feel like I fail miserably every single day. I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to relax and have fun anymore and I used to be able to be that way all the time. I hate the way I feel and I hate not being able to fix it. I am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, I just don't know what else to do.
I am so close to the end of my courses and will hopefully get a job by the end of October. I feel so good when I am doing my schoolwork, so I know that working will be good for me too. I will feel like I am contributing to my family and that I am succeeding at something. I need that. I need to feel like I am worth something - like I make a difference.
I dislike so much not being able to help provide for my family. I can't wait to get a paycheck and know that we will be able to buy the kids the things they need. I don't care if I go without new clothes, but my kids are constantly growing. Johnny and Luke have grown 2 shoe sizes this year alone! When we need medications I won't have to ask my mom or Sean's dad for money to help pay for them. I just sent Medco $300.00 and that was just for Sean's meds. I can't wait to be able to take a check to the bank that I earned and use it to pay for things my family needs. I can only imagine how good that is going to feel!
I keep going back to the thought of why did God bless us with so many kids but let us have so much hardship. Not just financially, but physically, emotionally, spiritually. I wish I knew what He wanted, what I am supposed to do. I pray about it but get nowhere.
I am tired of living this way. I am tired of crying, of anxiety attacks, of yelling, of feeling like this.
Thanks for listening. I am going to play a game on FB and try to calm down.
I don't mean to complain and seem like everything is awful, I know it isn't, but right now it is hard to see the bright side of things. I just don't like that at all.
Love you guys. Have a good night. I will post something more positive and happy tomorrow!!!