A good read

I am drying my eyes after finishing The Notebook. I don't often cry while reading, but this book brought the tears on! I recommend it to anyone looking for a beautiful love story.
Books like this strengthen my resolve to become a better person. I want to be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister..... I want to be more selfless and carefree. I just need to do it and not just dream about doing it!
I am working on a list of goals, both short term and long term that I will eventually post on here. I want to be able to check them as I go and see my progress - maybe even give myself a sticker!

May you all have a wonderful night and go to sleep knowing that you are loved and special!

Turning over a new leaf..

I have been a bit of a negative Nellie in my last few posts. So today I am going to focus on positive and happy things to share. I haven't done a counting my blessings in awhile, so it will be a long those lines.

Today I woke up thankful for my children and husband. Even under the weight of 3 kids and one on the floor, I was thankful for their love and cuddles. We are trying to keep them in their rooms, but sometimes it is nice to wake up to a little arm pulling me close to kiss me awake.
My friends give me reason to be thankful everyday. My childhood friends who have stayed by my side through adulthood and my new friends found in the wonders of cyberspace. I love each an every one of you and am so grateful for the opportunity God has blessed me with to know each of you.
I am so happy that fall has arrived. The crisp leaves, the cooler temperatures, the autumn sky...this means apple orchards, jumping into leaves and halloween are close at hand.
I love a good book and was able to trade for 3 new to me ones at the used book store yesterday. All I had to pay was tax! What a treat for me!
The laughter I get to enjoy everyday watching the triplets get off the bus. They are such riots sometimes. I am also thankful for their bus driver Miss Regina, who I have known since kindergarten. She is a strong Christian now and I feel so comfortable with my kids riding with her and they absolutely adore her!
I am thankful for the miracles we get to witness in everyday life.

I want to offer apologies to anyone who may have felt offended or brought down by my last few posts. I just need to air my frustrations at times and I appreciate having this way to do it. I don't mean to sound as if everything is horrible, because it's not! I am blessed to have the life I do. I look for opportunities to help other's in little ways each day or to bring someone a smile and that makes me feel wonderful! I praise the Lord for the healing he has brought to me and to my family.
I love you all very much!

Sunday's Happenings

Gabe is out there somewhere! The kids got ahold of the camera and took the pictures of the game.

Gabe is the kiddo with his hands behind his back. 51 to the right of 97.

Johnny's missing tooth

picnicing at my parent's house for Amy's birthday

Caitlin and Scarlett

Carmen showing her stuff

Luke, Jonathan, and friend Connor huddling while playing football yesterday at Gabe's game

Caitlin chillin on the side lines

Yesterday we went to church and saw our nieces, Carmen and Scarlett, get their 3rd grade Bibles. Ever since I can remember 3rd graders are presented with a Bible. I still have mine! Gabe got his 2 years ago and the trio will get theirs in 2 years. They didn't have junior church yesterday due to the Bible presentation, so we had our handsful with wriggling triplets. I was embarrassed and am sure that no one thought it was as bad as I did, but being the mom I can't help it.

After church we got ready for Gabe's game. They won big and he got to play part of the 3rd quarter and most of the 4th. He did really well and we were very proud of him. I still have no clue about football and no desire to watch any except what my son is playing! I guess I am so un American!

After the game we went to the nursing home to see Sean't mom. She should be coming home this week. I hope that things will be better, but I am going to have to see it to believe it. She has a lot to prove.

Then it was on to my mom's for my sister's party. It was an outdoor picnic. My mom and her friend had hosted a wedding shower that afternoon and we don't think my mom had slept since Friday. She over extends herself way too much. Something happened at the picnic that really bothered Sean and I. I don't even know how to address it with my mom, but I am going to. I am calling my cousin this afternoon to talk with her about it. To understand, I am going to give a brief background. Those of you who know my family will agree that this is true, I am sure.

My mother has always been called wonder daughter. This by her parents and sister. She can do no wrong in her parents eyes - it has been this way all of her life. Growing up my sister was favored between the two of us by my grandparents as well as over my other cousins, Christie and Tommy. This is no secret to anyone but my mom and sister and grandparents. My aunt saw it, my dad, my cousins, me. It was disappointing and very hurtful but it was how things were. Now that my cousins and Amy and I are all parents, the pattern continues. Amy's kids are the favored by my grandparents. They can do no wrong, everything they do is wonderful and adorable. I have put up with it, talking to my cousin when it gets really bad and grateful that my other family sees it too.

So last night at my mom's it was just Amy and Scott and the girls, Sean and I and the kids, my mom, and my grandparent's. We had been there for maybe 5 minutes when Jonathan went to talk to Old grandpa and we aren't sure what exactly happened, but Grandpa hauled off and hit him in the arm. Hard. It wasn't a little smack, it was a hard hit. Only Sean and I saw it happen. From what we could figure Jonathan went to talk to him and he was in the way. I don't care who you are, you don't hit my child. I went into the house in tears and my stomach was hurting bad. I told Sean that maybe it is a sign of a problem - you sometimes hear of behavior changes with dementia and things like that. I pulled myself together and went outside only to see my niece Carmen coming up to the steps that lead into the yard twirling hula hoops on both arms. My grandfather was going down and I waited for him to say something. He just smiled at her. Jonathan was at the bottom and stepped to the side to wait for Grandpa and he yelled "Get out of my way!" to Johnny. He wasn't even in his way!!! Carmen went right past him swinging hula hoops not even bothering to wait. My child did nothing wrong and got yelled at??? Are you kidding me? Then we are sitting at dinner and the kids were done eating and playing. Luke did something and I said 'No!" and my grandpa told me 'Your kids don't even know the meaning of that word, do they?" Amy's kids were doing the same thing, but I didn't feel it was my place to discipline them when she was right there. I wanted to get up and go at that point.

Am I wrong in being upset? What right does he have to treat my kids that way? They adore him and my grandma. I am noticing more and more the differences in the way my kids are treated than my sister's and I try really hard to let it roll off my back, but it is getting so hard.

Everytime a conversation was started about my kids, it would somehow turn into a story about Amy's kids.

Example. My mom asked how Gabe's game was. I started to talk and Amy interrupted to say what a great job her girl's did at soccer. I never did get to say how Gabe did. Then it was how do the triplets like school. I started to answer only to be interrupted with the funny thing one of the girl's did. Finally I gave up.

I love my family and want to do things, but this is a major reason Sean and I discuss moving away from here. Between my family and all the drama and crap in his family.

Am I just nitpicking and overreacting? Please tell me and be honest. I just feel so hurt. I am not so much angry, just hurt.

I really need a new hairdo....any ideas?

Here are a few pics of weirdness going on around here. The wood ones are from our acorn hunt. We found a ton and they were falling from the trees as we gathered them. Cool, and No one got hurt! It is a cold and rainy day here and the kids are going nuts. I wish they could go outside!! The trips are heading to a party in a few hours so Sean and I will have 2 hours of Gabe time. He is excited about it. :) I am getting ready to go and clean a bit, just procrastinating some. Hope you are all having a great weekend.

How disturbing....

I have come to the conclusion this morning that one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen/read is my ex boyfriends facebook page. We have become friends again - Sean doesn't care - possibly for the fact that the ex is now gay! I am not talking the hmmm....maybe he is kind of gay, I am talking about the flaming, bright neon sign abouve him declaring it kind.
It is just so odd to see the guy I once new in a totally different light, and it sickens me to read some of the things he says.
I am happy that he is happy, but ewww.........

Anyone else have this experience?

Ramblings....Happy Fall!

After reading some things elsewhere online, I got to wondering about my blogging. Do I post too much information? Do I share more than people want to know? I use my blog as a journal a lot of the time and it helps to write about things. Like when we went through the bankrupcy. Was it wrong to share all of that? I didn't do it for pity - I shared for stress relief and support and prayers. Same goes with health issues and kids, etc. I don't like to hide who I am or my feelings. If I am having a bad day I will write about it. Some of the things written online just got me to wondering if I am too much of an open book, but that is me. I want people to know ME, not just who I want them to think I am. Pretty much what you read is what you get - that's me.

That was my big thought for the day. I am sitting here procrastinating on my homework. This math is kicking my butt! I did well until they got to the advanced stuff that I have never done before. Given that my dad was a math teacher you'd think I would have inherited a little of his math smarts! Oh well, I am doing my best and that is what matters.
Gabe played only 3 minutes in Sunday's game because he missed 2 practices last week due to illness. Last night after practice he was so excited because they had him in for more than 20 plays! It was the most he had been in and he was stoked! You could tell how good he felt about himself. It was really neat to see.
I have a crockpot full of veg. beef soup simmering on the sounter for dinner tonight. I serve it over a crumbled corn muffin with shredded cheese. It is delicious! Next up will be a corn and ham chowder and then hopefully Brian's broccoli cheese soup. Yum! One of the things I like about fall is the food! That and crunching through leaves.
My sister's birthday is in a few days and while I have her gift, I am making her one too. She is an Obama supporter and after a nature walk I have decided to make her an Acorn wreath. Does anyone get it?! I thought I was so clever! ha ha!! Think she'll love it? I know she won't, but her husband will!
Have a great day everyone!!!!

Lura and I went impromptu garage saling today and I ended up buying a play kitchen and box of utensils and food for 3 dollars. My kids have already gotten 3 dollars worth of fun out of it. It is in great condition and the food and utensils are really cool! I think it should of been a lot more, but I'm not complaining. We also made a stop for pumpkin pie ice cream that was so good! It had pieces of crust in it. Yum!
I got 2 shirts and a sweatshirt for Caitlin, a rescue heroes video, and some other odds and ends. I was just very disappointed that there were really no sales with kids clothes.
I found out that my niece is having a little boy. She is 17 and dropped out of school. She was on the honor roll and has won national recognition for her art. It is so sad. She is finishing up her schooling online and tested to graduate early. I pray for a good future for her and this little one.
This past week a local boy was killed in a car accident. They believe he was texting while driving. My nephew was in the car behind him and the first on scene. He is in the national guard and is a lifeguard at Kalahari, so he has CPR and other training. The boy was alive when he got there, but there was nothing he could do. He just held the boys hand and talked to him. The boy said he wanted his mom and then closed his eyes and died. I am so proud of my nephew f0r being with him. The mother was so grateful that her son didn't die alone. I can't fathom being with anyone, let alone a kid, while he was dying and knowing there was nothing I could do. My nephew seems to be doing fine emotionally, thank God. I don't know if I would be.
We are looking forward to tomorrow night - our grown ups night out! My sister is watching the kids for a few hours because our sitter fell through, so we won't be able to stay as long as I'd like, but still we will have fun!
Gabe is being set up with a psychiatrist and case worker so hopefully he will get treatment for this anxiety disorder soon. He will also be meeting with his counselor regularly so we have high hopes. He is at the high school football game with my sister and her family now. Apparantly he is most interested in watching the cheerleaders.
Jonathan informed me in the car tonight that his friend Kyra is going to have her stomach cut open. I asked why? figuring it was surgery of some sort. He said because he is going to marry her. I asked why would she have her stomach cut open and he said for the babies to come out. First grade and he is planning a family already! What a card!
I hope that you all have a good weekend. Lots of love

BOOB

Hopefully we finally have an answer.......

Today we took Gabe to the pediatric neurologist. It was a really good visit as we may finally have some answers.
First he did a history and asked lots of questions and then did a small physical examination of Gabe. He said that he did not believe that ADHD was the correct diagnosis for him. Night terrors, anger, physical violence do not go with ADHD. He believes that Gabe suffers from Anxiety Disorder and can be treated with medication and therapy. There is apparantly much evidence to support the idea that moderate to severe behavioral issues and sleep disorders are a result of anxiety disorder. Once we get that under control the night terrors should lessen if not vanish. I told Victoria if that happens we are going to have a No More Night Terrors Party!!!
Tomorrow he has a counseling appointment scheduled and Brennan can get him scheduled with the psychiatrist on staff. There is a possibility it could be atypical ADD, but he is really leaning towards Anxiety disorder.
I can't tell you what a relief this is to me and what hope I have that we might soon have one child's behavior under control. Maybe if Gabe's improves the other's will. I can't imagine what a night terror free night will be like for him or for us, but I am excited to see if that happens.

I hope that you all have a wonderful day! Thanks for the words of encouragement and love!!

This post has a lot of I's in it...

Tonight was a bad night.
It's one of those times when the kid's behavior sucked and I put all the blame on myself. That is not a bright idea because then the anger builds up greater. By a quarter to 8:00 I lost it. I had made a pan of bar cookies and was planning on sitting down with the kids and watching the new ICarly. It is all they talked about this afternoon and evening. Actually all week.
I had it after the squirt guns in the house, the vacuum attachments being thrown at my corner cabinet full of special things, the living room being trashed, Sean's grandma's chair being broken again.... I tried to keep my cool and I failed miserably. After several time outs and talks, I put them to bed and walked out. I don't even remember now what was said, but it was the last straw. I grabbed one of the kitchen stools and threw it to the floor as hard as I could. Nothing broke, but it was wrong of me to do. Then I went, almost full blown anxiety attack, and sat on my bed and tried to pray.
After I cooled off I went in and talked to the kids as calmly as I could. I apologized and told them I was wrong for throwing the stool - it was my temper tantrum and it was a bad thing to do and a bad example to set for them. Then I tried to talk to them about their actions. I don't know if any of it sunk in, but I let them come out and sit with me and watch ICarly. The boys did okay, Caitlin ended up going out to the kitchen and trying to eat part of the cookie and lied to me, so she got put in bed. You would have thought the neighbor's would have called the police with the way she carried on and screamed.
They are all in bed now, I put them in at 9 and it is 9:22 and they are still going strong.
I am so tired and so frustrated.
I always put the blame on myself and figure that I must be a bad mom because they behave this way. I don't think that it is entirely my fault. I need to be responsible for some, but not all.
I am just lost and sad. I am disappointed. I am frustrated.
Sean is mad at me for me losing my temper and I don't blame him. I don't know if he will even talk to me before going to bed or not. He is asleep now, who knows if he will wake up or not to talk to me.
I really dislike my life right now. The fighting, the crying, the not listening.... I try so hard to be a good mom and I just feel like I fail miserably every single day. I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to relax and have fun anymore and I used to be able to be that way all the time. I hate the way I feel and I hate not being able to fix it. I am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds, I just don't know what else to do.
I am so close to the end of my courses and will hopefully get a job by the end of October. I feel so good when I am doing my schoolwork, so I know that working will be good for me too. I will feel like I am contributing to my family and that I am succeeding at something. I need that. I need to feel like I am worth something - like I make a difference.
I dislike so much not being able to help provide for my family. I can't wait to get a paycheck and know that we will be able to buy the kids the things they need. I don't care if I go without new clothes, but my kids are constantly growing. Johnny and Luke have grown 2 shoe sizes this year alone! When we need medications I won't have to ask my mom or Sean's dad for money to help pay for them. I just sent Medco $300.00 and that was just for Sean's meds. I can't wait to be able to take a check to the bank that I earned and use it to pay for things my family needs. I can only imagine how good that is going to feel!
I keep going back to the thought of why did God bless us with so many kids but let us have so much hardship. Not just financially, but physically, emotionally, spiritually. I wish I knew what He wanted, what I am supposed to do. I pray about it but get nowhere.
I am tired of living this way. I am tired of crying, of anxiety attacks, of yelling, of feeling like this.
Thanks for listening. I am going to play a game on FB and try to calm down.
I don't mean to complain and seem like everything is awful, I know it isn't, but right now it is hard to see the bright side of things. I just don't like that at all.
Love you guys. Have a good night. I will post something more positive and happy tomorrow!!!

Happy September!

Hi everyone.
Lots has been going on, but I don't feel like posting. Incredibly lazy, I know.
I am dealing with a bum back right now, I have a lot of swelling around my spinal cord and it is not pleasant. It stems from an injury I got when the triplets were a year and a half old. I think it felt it was time to flare up.
The kids are busy with school, Gabe with football as well. I have been a cleaning machine and am trying to learn the magic that is bleach.
I will do a lengthy post with pics soon.
Love you!