And I think to myself - What a wonderful World

Forgive the writing! I am just trying to put down my random thoughts. No points for creativity here, but that's okay!!
After dropping the kids off at school this morning I drove to the reservoir and took a walk. I have been struggling with some things in my personal as well as spiritual life and needed some time to think and talk to God.
When I got there I parked and finished listening to my program on the radio (Elvis Duran had a funny phone tap this morning!) and watched birds getting frisky in front of my van. They were so funny, but I felt like a bit of a peeping pervert. I got out and started walking. Even though the nearest person was about 50 yards away, that self conciousness hit me immediately. I was ready to turn and walk back to the van when I caught a movement to the side of me. I turned and saw a fish jump. That little thing was enough to make me keep going. I walked as close to the edge as I dared and watched little wonders occuring. I saw a heron eating his breakfast and when I got close enough to cause him concern he took flight. The beautiful long necked bird flew just above the lake and his wing tips skimmed the top of the water leaving a trail behind him. I walked and watched until he was out of sight. Movement again caught my eye and I looked to see countless fish jumping! I figured it must have been breakfast for them too. As soon as one dropped out of sight another appeared. As I continued to walk I saw dragonflies chasing, butterflies, and small birds. When I turned around and walked back I looked down to see a snake gliding through the water beside me. It was at least 2 feet long and so graceful! It stayed with me for at least 50 feet.
I reached the point to turn to go back to the van and decided to keep going. On the other side there were schools of fish everywhere I looked! The sizes ranged from a few inches to minnows and they lined the shore. I passed a fisherman in his boat and exchanged smiles, waves and a few words. It made me think of my dad - he loved to fish. But instead of being sad I smiled at memories of Canada and fishing together on the Ottawa River. About a hundred yards later I watched as a pink mouth came out of the water, rolled, and went under again! I stopped, puzzled - I had no idea what it was. A woman walked up beside me and asked what I was looking at. I told her and she said that the carp were spawning and I probably saw one roll. I waited a few minutes to see if I could see it again, but nothing happened. So I continued on. I reached the bridge and looked down and saw a huge fish swimming in circles. By this point I was grinning like a fool just so happy and in awe of everything I was seeing! I turned around and decided to walk through a field and around some trees. When I cleared the first turn there were several families of geese with babies!!
I walked back up to the path, praising God for his creations and reminiscing about time with my dad. I passed back by the fisherman and spoke a bit more and then continued on. When I looked up I saw a heavyset man with a cane walking perpendicular to me a couple hundred yards ahead. From that distance he looked just like my dad! I know it wasn't, but it made me smile just to think that maybe my dad was looking down watching me this morning.
When I got back to the van, I climbed in and checked my pedometer. I had walked approx. 4,000 steps which is almost half my minimum daily goal!
I was so thankful for the beauty I encountered this morning. I can't tell you the wonders it did for my attitude and outlook as well!
I hope you guys have a fantastic day! Love you all!!

McBride Arboretum

Running back to the car

Trying to spy fish

Too close to the edge for my comfort!!

Johnny and Luke wanted to pose with the woman's picture that the terrace was named after.

If you look close enough you can see the fish. They thought we had food and kept coming up to the surface.

I said if we are quiet we can sneak up and see the geese up close. So the kids took off running and honking.

Poking the frog.

This guy was HUGE!!!!!

I took my 4 and my sister's 2 to Firelands last week to walk around the Arboretum. The flowers were not blooming yet and it still looked bare, but it was a gorgeous day and we had a fun time walking around the lake seeing fish, geese, and the biggest frog I have ever seen outside of the zoo!

I am looking forward to this fall when they have a garden day where there are artists set up all over painting and we do a nature scavenger hunt. The kids enjoy it so much.

Wassa happenin hotstuff?

Hey ya'll. So did NOBODY get my Family Guy reference in the previous post? Peter calls Valerie Bertanelli, Valerie Bert and Ernie. It makes me chuckle every time I think of it. Who can get the movie this title is from? Anyone?
This last week was a busy one. I took 6 kids to McBride Arboretum to walk around the lake, chase geese, and poke huge frogs. I helped 2.5 kids learn to ride bikes - Johnny is almost there! We discovered the joys of street (driveway) tennis on our hotpink new to us set. I hosted a 2 night "Nighttime Tinkle Party" which was a rip roaring success?? (Keep yours eyes open for the next one! ) I found the Cholera Cemetary, ate Chinese food, cleaned my bedroom and closet, had girl time with Caitlin, patched up countless boo-boo's on Luke from the bike learning, sewed patches on jeans, cleaned up numerous spills and one flooded bathroom, went garage sale-ing, chatted with old friends, took lots of pictures, learned my mom's dog might quite possibly be a lesbian (another post in itself!)..... It was a whirlwind week of fun and not so much fun adventures.
This week holds promises of being just as fun!!!

Valerie Bert and Ernie

At the Fire Station

Only a cruel mommy would snap a shot after her baby hit her face on the trampoline! This is before the swelling really started. This picture breaks my heart, but she looks so darn sweet!

Gabe and I after a lengthy hike

Total Daddy's girl!

I think my thighs shrunk a millimeter this morning. They burn like they did! I am really trying to get in gear with serious exercising. My eating has been whacko, but I have had a rough visit this month. ahem. I hope you know what I mean! Not to use excuses, but that can really, really throw everything!

I am busy cleaning as always. Still finding beads and sequins all over the place! I am going to attempt another craft tonight if they are good. We didn't have a great morning with behavior, so I am hoping tonight is better.

I'll post later, gotta run!!

I have decided that I am a real nut job.
What made me decide this?

The fact that I thought it would be a great idea to have a craft night with my kids.
Saturday night went well, we made hats and bags. They used glitter glue and sequins and had a ball.

Sunday we tried again. Three of the four got beads stuck up their noses. Sadly, my 11 year old was one of the three. Then they jammed beads into their belly buttons so they stuck there. I called it a night when I heard "Don't put sequins on my p#$is. WHAT?????

They have been begging me to do more crafts. I don't know if I can take it! I spent all last night crawling around on my hands and knees digging beads and sequins out of every nook and cranny! I have to take the covers off the heating vents still!

Unfortunately, or fortunately (depending on who you ask) I am stupid enough to try it again! I always figure it can't be as bad as the last time....

Some Pictures to please the post nazi!!!

My goofy boys. I think Luke looks so sweet here!

Caitlin and Mommy. Ignore how swollen my hands are. That is why I didn't put it on FB! They look grotesque!

I love the crack!!!

My nieces, Carmen and Scarlett at a KISS tribute band concert.

Char - here is my latest project all finished!

I am happy because....

*I have found the joy in cross stitching again. :) I am sure you saw the picture I posted on Facebook. My mom had it matted and framed for our anniversary. The framing shop costs an arm and a leg. I called Lura and Victoria to make sure I wasn't being taken! It was $97.00 plus tax! I was guessing $50.00 at the most. I am entering it into the fair this summer.

*I have found friendships that I never imagined I would have. One in particular is with a person from my class in high school. In him I have found a supportive, caring, God following/loving/fearing friend. It is amazing the people God will bring into our lives! I also got reconnected with some college friends. It is funny how you can live with people for so long and still not know things about them! I am forming bonds again with some of them and I am grateful to God for those relationships also!

*I am thankful for the laughter Crystal gave me tonight! I sat at my computer in danger of wetting my pants from laughter. Love you Crys!!!

*My friend, Blanche (not the one from the Golden Girls) posted a link to a Joyce Meyer article. Some of you may know I don't always get the point intended by the message. A good example is trying to read Dr. Dobson and only getting that I should kill birds and die while saying grace. This article, I posted the link on FB, really spoke to me! I got from it what I was supposed to and probably more! When Blanche originally posted the article, she put on it that she thought I needed to read it. If she hadn't I probably wouldn't have.

*I am tickled by Urban Dictionary. Someone, I won't mention her name (Uralay) turned me on to it by finding the word Gynosplurge. Look it up! It is gross, but made me chuckle. Since then I have found many useful (?) words to use in everyday conversation.

*I am thankful for my children's health and spirits of adventure. We are planning some fun excursions this weekend - me with the trio and Sean and Gabe. Sean got tickets and pit passes to the racetrack from someone at work, so he and Gabe are having bonding time.

*the support I am finding in my weight loss journey has been amazing. From an ex boyfriend to aqquaintances to wonderful friends! Thank you to Kevin for the uplifting chat and Alan Alda ecard (which was a high point in my day, by the way!).

*Sean and I are may have some good news soon. I can't say much about it only to tell you it does NOT involve kids!!!!

*I beat someone (not Cheryl, I would never brag about beating Cheryl!!! Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl....) in Scrabble. Cheryl.

*It is almost summer and even though I moan and complain, I am looking forward to the kids being home!

I could keep going, but I have work to do. Love to you all!!!

From the Heart

Recently I was faced with the chore of making a difficult decision. It is not something I took lightly, nor did I make a hasty choice. Rather I spent hours agonizing over the decision and praying. I weighed pros and cons, I thought about how the decision would affect my family, my self esteem, etc. It was one of the more difficult choices I have had to make in a long time.

Do I feel I made the right call? Yes I do. Can I say with absolute certainty that I feel there was no other option? Yes I can. Am I ashamed? Embarrassed? Yes, I WAS. Now I realize that I did what I had to do.

I whole heartedly believe that I did what God wanted. Maybe the lesson in this was not for me to be employed, but for me to be humbled. For me to have to face fears, admit flaws, face reproach from my peers, and for me to fully lean on God for His understanding, peace, and mercy. And I am doing that.

I realize from this experience and from the words of more than one person that I really do look to everyone else for approval. I feel I need other's support in every aspect of my life. I am so afraid of hurting someone else by my decisions and actions that I end up hurting myself. I can sit and name several reasons why I do this. I could write a laundry list of people who could be at fault. But that would be passing the blame. The one who is responsible is me.

In the past I made attempts on my own life. There were many reasons, but if I really examine who I was at that time and how I was, I can see that I was living for other people. I wasn't living for Amanda. I so desperately wanted to be accepted and liked that when I wasn't I took it to extremes. Years of counseling and medications got me past the self hurt point, but did it really get me past the way of thinking?

Recent events have definitely proven that I am still the Amanda from years ago. I still seek that approval, need that pat on the back. I need to be reassured that the decisions I make are what's right. When I make a decision what is the first thing I do? Run to others and make sure I am making the right choice. That is no way to live. I need to learn to respect myself and my own opinions. I need to learn that I have to please God, first of all and then myself.

My family fits in there too, but I don't NEED my entire family's ok. I WANT it. When I don't get it that self hate comes right back into play and knocks me down further and further. I want to experience life without constantly looking for that nod.

I know this is probably a jumbled mess of thoughts, but you know what? That is Okay with me!!
I am not going to change overnight. It may be a process that takes months or years. I am a work in progress. I will embrace each stage as it comes and love myself for who I am in the moment.