Saturday, July 10, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Who am I?
That is the question a friend and I were discussing earlier in the week. I thought a bit and came up with what I thought was a pretty decent answer. I won't divulge it all - I want to remain a bit mysterious! But the gist of it was :
--I am a struggling Christian woman learning daily how to accept God's forgiveness as well as how to forgive myself, I am a mother of 4 that would lay down my life for my children's. I love passionately and hurt deeply. I would do anything I could to help out a friend and I would never turn my back on a stranger.--
Like I said, there was more, but that will remain the mystery that is Amanda.
These past few weeks I have experienced a myriad of emotions. I have been angry, hurt, depressed, happy, relieved, anxious, and puzzled to name a few. The whirlwind of emotions is reminiscent of what I felt after my dad died. Not knowing how to claim and accept the feelings, just having them fly around me. That lack of control is frightening. I don't like going almost manic. One minute happy the next angry..... Having no idea when the mood's will change. But that is what I have been dealing with. And it blows, big time.
Decisions that I have made lately have not come without great emotional cost for me and for my family. I had to weigh the effects of my choices carefully and in the end I believe I have done what is best. I have been shunned, I have been criticized, I have been called hurtful, hateful names. If I wasn't already broken, I would have been by those few people. God knows my heart. God knows my situation and He has placed people in my life at the right moments. I have been blessed with an amazing support system, somewhat surprising, but that is God. He does what He knows is best not what we think is.
I know that the description of who I am will change due to this time in my life. I think it is only going to get better. I am going to be able to say "I am a STRONG Christian woman who knows she is forgiven and who has forgiven herself!" I will see great moves in my life, whether it be in the form of a reconciled marriage, a new relationship, strong friendships... I will gain confidence, I will gain a love for me, and I will gain, most importantly, a beautiful relationship with God. I am confident of these things.
--I am a struggling Christian woman learning daily how to accept God's forgiveness as well as how to forgive myself, I am a mother of 4 that would lay down my life for my children's. I love passionately and hurt deeply. I would do anything I could to help out a friend and I would never turn my back on a stranger.--
Like I said, there was more, but that will remain the mystery that is Amanda.
These past few weeks I have experienced a myriad of emotions. I have been angry, hurt, depressed, happy, relieved, anxious, and puzzled to name a few. The whirlwind of emotions is reminiscent of what I felt after my dad died. Not knowing how to claim and accept the feelings, just having them fly around me. That lack of control is frightening. I don't like going almost manic. One minute happy the next angry..... Having no idea when the mood's will change. But that is what I have been dealing with. And it blows, big time.
Decisions that I have made lately have not come without great emotional cost for me and for my family. I had to weigh the effects of my choices carefully and in the end I believe I have done what is best. I have been shunned, I have been criticized, I have been called hurtful, hateful names. If I wasn't already broken, I would have been by those few people. God knows my heart. God knows my situation and He has placed people in my life at the right moments. I have been blessed with an amazing support system, somewhat surprising, but that is God. He does what He knows is best not what we think is.
I know that the description of who I am will change due to this time in my life. I think it is only going to get better. I am going to be able to say "I am a STRONG Christian woman who knows she is forgiven and who has forgiven herself!" I will see great moves in my life, whether it be in the form of a reconciled marriage, a new relationship, strong friendships... I will gain confidence, I will gain a love for me, and I will gain, most importantly, a beautiful relationship with God. I am confident of these things.
Friday, July 2, 2010
My dad
Times like this I really miss having my dad here. I can imagine sitting with him on the bench by their pond, watching the waterfall and fountain and having a heart to heart with him. He was the best listener when he wanted to be. He was also incredibly stubborn and if he believed he was right, there was no changing his mind.
My dad was a big man. Ultimately that is partly what led to his early death, but it also had it's good points. His hugs were always full and breathtaking! He could easily crush a body in his forearms! His belly was known as the magic belly. If you laid a fussy baby on it, in no time both the baby and my dad would be sound asleep. He came off on appearances alone as imposing and a bit scary to some, but if you got to know him, you knew that wasn't who he was. My dad had a booming, contagious laugh and smile. How he loved to laugh too!
I think I get my sense of adventure from my dad. He was always up for something. My parents honeymoon was a 6 week camping trip across Canada! He loved fishing, canoeing, and camping. My dad and grandpa built their own canoes. I can still picture them patiently steaming and bending the wood with their homemade steamer. It took weeks and months to build, but they were impressive show pieces. My dad also built a cider press that we would use every fall to make homemade apple cider while I was growing up. If my dad could imagine it, he could build it. He was amazing in his workshop.
For being such a big guy, my dad had a variety of activites and hobbies. When I was little he coached ice hockey. We used to ice skate at the pond behind what is now the Elks on 250. My dad would make my mom test the ice and then we would all go out and skate around and around. My dad loved to ice skate. He also played softball, golf, basketball, and pool. He played football in high school and later in college. He loved any sport. My dad also played the flute and piccolo in high school. No one teased him for it either!! He was an alternate to West Point, sang in the choir at church, coached countless sports, headed up comittees, and so on.
My dad loved to travel. We saw many states and countries growing up and then we we left home my parents did even more. Many would be surprised to learn that my dad and mom took a bike trek across the country on Denmark and rode bikes on a volcano in Hawaii. He loved riding bikes.
My dad was a special, special man. He would trade his rocky road ice cream for bubble gum that his daughter insisted she wanted. He would help anyone who asked. He loved life and he loved people. I think that is where I get a lot of it. I miss you Daddy and I love you!!
My dad was a big man. Ultimately that is partly what led to his early death, but it also had it's good points. His hugs were always full and breathtaking! He could easily crush a body in his forearms! His belly was known as the magic belly. If you laid a fussy baby on it, in no time both the baby and my dad would be sound asleep. He came off on appearances alone as imposing and a bit scary to some, but if you got to know him, you knew that wasn't who he was. My dad had a booming, contagious laugh and smile. How he loved to laugh too!
I think I get my sense of adventure from my dad. He was always up for something. My parents honeymoon was a 6 week camping trip across Canada! He loved fishing, canoeing, and camping. My dad and grandpa built their own canoes. I can still picture them patiently steaming and bending the wood with their homemade steamer. It took weeks and months to build, but they were impressive show pieces. My dad also built a cider press that we would use every fall to make homemade apple cider while I was growing up. If my dad could imagine it, he could build it. He was amazing in his workshop.
For being such a big guy, my dad had a variety of activites and hobbies. When I was little he coached ice hockey. We used to ice skate at the pond behind what is now the Elks on 250. My dad would make my mom test the ice and then we would all go out and skate around and around. My dad loved to ice skate. He also played softball, golf, basketball, and pool. He played football in high school and later in college. He loved any sport. My dad also played the flute and piccolo in high school. No one teased him for it either!! He was an alternate to West Point, sang in the choir at church, coached countless sports, headed up comittees, and so on.
My dad loved to travel. We saw many states and countries growing up and then we we left home my parents did even more. Many would be surprised to learn that my dad and mom took a bike trek across the country on Denmark and rode bikes on a volcano in Hawaii. He loved riding bikes.
My dad was a special, special man. He would trade his rocky road ice cream for bubble gum that his daughter insisted she wanted. He would help anyone who asked. He loved life and he loved people. I think that is where I get a lot of it. I miss you Daddy and I love you!!
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