I am happy because....

*I have found the joy in cross stitching again. :) I am sure you saw the picture I posted on Facebook. My mom had it matted and framed for our anniversary. The framing shop costs an arm and a leg. I called Lura and Victoria to make sure I wasn't being taken! It was $97.00 plus tax! I was guessing $50.00 at the most. I am entering it into the fair this summer.

*I have found friendships that I never imagined I would have. One in particular is with a person from my class in high school. In him I have found a supportive, caring, God following/loving/fearing friend. It is amazing the people God will bring into our lives! I also got reconnected with some college friends. It is funny how you can live with people for so long and still not know things about them! I am forming bonds again with some of them and I am grateful to God for those relationships also!

*I am thankful for the laughter Crystal gave me tonight! I sat at my computer in danger of wetting my pants from laughter. Love you Crys!!!

*My friend, Blanche (not the one from the Golden Girls) posted a link to a Joyce Meyer article. Some of you may know I don't always get the point intended by the message. A good example is trying to read Dr. Dobson and only getting that I should kill birds and die while saying grace. This article, I posted the link on FB, really spoke to me! I got from it what I was supposed to and probably more! When Blanche originally posted the article, she put on it that she thought I needed to read it. If she hadn't I probably wouldn't have.

*I am tickled by Urban Dictionary. Someone, I won't mention her name (Uralay) turned me on to it by finding the word Gynosplurge. Look it up! It is gross, but made me chuckle. Since then I have found many useful (?) words to use in everyday conversation.

*I am thankful for my children's health and spirits of adventure. We are planning some fun excursions this weekend - me with the trio and Sean and Gabe. Sean got tickets and pit passes to the racetrack from someone at work, so he and Gabe are having bonding time.

*the support I am finding in my weight loss journey has been amazing. From an ex boyfriend to aqquaintances to wonderful friends! Thank you to Kevin for the uplifting chat and Alan Alda ecard (which was a high point in my day, by the way!).

*Sean and I are may have some good news soon. I can't say much about it only to tell you it does NOT involve kids!!!!

*I beat someone (not Cheryl, I would never brag about beating Cheryl!!! Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl....) in Scrabble. Cheryl.

*It is almost summer and even though I moan and complain, I am looking forward to the kids being home!

I could keep going, but I have work to do. Love to you all!!!

From the Heart

Recently I was faced with the chore of making a difficult decision. It is not something I took lightly, nor did I make a hasty choice. Rather I spent hours agonizing over the decision and praying. I weighed pros and cons, I thought about how the decision would affect my family, my self esteem, etc. It was one of the more difficult choices I have had to make in a long time.

Do I feel I made the right call? Yes I do. Can I say with absolute certainty that I feel there was no other option? Yes I can. Am I ashamed? Embarrassed? Yes, I WAS. Now I realize that I did what I had to do.

I whole heartedly believe that I did what God wanted. Maybe the lesson in this was not for me to be employed, but for me to be humbled. For me to have to face fears, admit flaws, face reproach from my peers, and for me to fully lean on God for His understanding, peace, and mercy. And I am doing that.

I realize from this experience and from the words of more than one person that I really do look to everyone else for approval. I feel I need other's support in every aspect of my life. I am so afraid of hurting someone else by my decisions and actions that I end up hurting myself. I can sit and name several reasons why I do this. I could write a laundry list of people who could be at fault. But that would be passing the blame. The one who is responsible is me.

In the past I made attempts on my own life. There were many reasons, but if I really examine who I was at that time and how I was, I can see that I was living for other people. I wasn't living for Amanda. I so desperately wanted to be accepted and liked that when I wasn't I took it to extremes. Years of counseling and medications got me past the self hurt point, but did it really get me past the way of thinking?

Recent events have definitely proven that I am still the Amanda from years ago. I still seek that approval, need that pat on the back. I need to be reassured that the decisions I make are what's right. When I make a decision what is the first thing I do? Run to others and make sure I am making the right choice. That is no way to live. I need to learn to respect myself and my own opinions. I need to learn that I have to please God, first of all and then myself.

My family fits in there too, but I don't NEED my entire family's ok. I WANT it. When I don't get it that self hate comes right back into play and knocks me down further and further. I want to experience life without constantly looking for that nod.

I know this is probably a jumbled mess of thoughts, but you know what? That is Okay with me!!
I am not going to change overnight. It may be a process that takes months or years. I am a work in progress. I will embrace each stage as it comes and love myself for who I am in the moment.

Happy Friday to You!

Gabe telling me that he thinks he is too big to see saw with Caitlin

Apparantly this is what happens when my back is turned...

Brotherly Love

Caitlin and Jonathan

Gabe, Jonathan, Luke, Tanis, and Caitlin

Here are some pics of random things. I'll write an actual post later. :)

The Past Week...

A week ago today I ended up in the hospital. It was a scary bit of time.
I had had a constant headache for about a week and a half that also included dizziness, nausea, and blurred vision. I wasn't making a doctor's appointment for just a headache, so I kept up a constant regimin of motrin every 4-6 hours. Wednesday Sean and I did some errands and were in the van when my left arm went completely numb. I wasn't too freaked out because I had no chest pains at all. Then my tounge went numb, like someone had shot it with novacaine. I thought it would be a good idea to call the dr. for an appointment and they told me to go directly to the ER. On the drive there I lifted my left arm to brush the hair out of my eyes and found I couldn't make my hand work. I knew what I wanted it to do, but I couldn't do it. I had no control over it! Now that scared me!!
I got checked into the ER and they started tests immediately. I had a CAT scan and lab work but the scan was clear. Two dr's came in and several nurses and examined me again. They told me that it appeared I had a minor stroke but needed further testing so they were admitting me. First they wanted to put in an IV. Whooppe. I am not bothered by needles at all, so I don't mind - but my veins are deep, rolling, and impossible to find. I don't know how many times I was stuck, shoulders, hands, and arms until they called in a cardiac nurse to do an ultra sound guided iv. That went without a hitch. By this time I had a killer headache, but an anuerism (sp?) had been ruled out and I could barely see along with the numbness in my arm and tounge.
I had to share a room with a hard of hearing 90 year old woman who provided me with lots of entertainment. But at least I could keep my side dark and block my ears with pillows. That night my IV infiltrated which then it had to be pulled at 4 in the morning. I couldn't sleep so I just laid there with a cold cloth on my head to help the ache. The next day I had 2 MRI's of my brain, a cardiac ultrasound, and ultrasound on my caratoid arteries on either side of my neck, an EKG, and an EEG. It was not the best day. Then another cardiac nurse came in to put a midline IV in that ran from mid upper arm to my shoulder. It was quite a procedure and I thank God for Lydocaine!! I also had to meet with occupational therapists, physicl therapists, and speech therapists daily.
The test results showed no stroke, PRAISE THE LORD!!! The 4 neurologists and internist decided that I was having a complex migraine that had somehow triggered a type of parlysis in my left side. I have weakness in my arm and leg and am on a daily exercise schedule. Today I was finally able to focus enough to drive and get on the computer. I still feel foggy and have moments of dizziness, but nothing as bad as it was. Oh, I also had a sinus infection and inner ear infections.
I meet with the Neurologist next week to figure out a treatment course as they said it would most likely happen again. At least I will be prepared! Thanks for the prayers and support! Love you guys.

Random Goofy stuff

Gabe played a member of the Elephant troupe in the drama club's production of The Jungle Book at school last night. He was too embarassed to have his picture taken, so I managed to get this while he tied his shoes. He did an awesome job and we are so proud of him!

The stairs are always the happenin' place to be at Auntie Victoria's. Here Tanis and the triplets race down them to go bananas in the playroom!

I took Luke, Caitlin, Gabe, Carmen, Scarlett, and Johnny to the park last Friday. They had a ball playing in the warmer temperatures. This is the most awesome playarea and it is rarely busy.

Johnny, Caitlin, and Luke waiting for the play to begin.

Gretchen telling everyone she is finished with her first birthday cupcake!

Old Grandma blowing out all 90 candles on her cake. The heat was intense! My mom also made 4 kinds of pie to go with the lemon cream cake.

Me showing Sean how to look tough.

Sean looking tough ? I think I was scarier, although he had the head wrap goin' on.

I don't want to be a hypocrite....

Is that what I would be?? I can't very well complain about how blogworld is and then do nothing about it myself. So here is a newsy post.

As I type this I am multitasking. Doing laundry, cleaning, and yelling at the triplets to go to bed!!! They are in there yaking away to each other. Caitlin is refusing to sleep in her own room again, so she bunks with the boys. Why did we even bother giving her her own room? Bedtime has been driving me nuts. I think I am just so worn out by the end of the day that I have no patience left.

I hope you all saw the great pics on Facebook of my day with Lura. Our tradition is to go out on each others birthdays, or close to it, and spend the day together. We started this year at Panera for breakfast and had delicious pastries and bagels. Then we began the great Thriftapalooza. I made out big at the first one as I found 2 Charlie Bone books for 76 cents apiece!! I am building that collection for Gabe (and myself!) I also got the trio some books. Then we went on to our favorite stop, Faroah's chocolates. We got our 12 pieces and enjoyed them throughout the rest of the day and also got a few goodies to take home. I personally loved the chocolate covered potato chips! On we went to the waterfront, stopped at a park for some photos, and then parked the car to walk a bit. We stopped in the alley for the traditional shot and then went into the wooden apple. Kind of an indoor small flea market. I don't think either of us were successful here and the people were kind of creepy. Next was The Salvation Army thrift store and then TGIFriday's for lunch and laughter. We made stops at the Huron Goodwill, Lake Erie, and Norwalk GW. I got Caitlin a huge purple feather boa and Jasmine high heeled shoes which she adores! It is always so sad when the day ends because we have a ball and enjoy just being dorks together.

Oh~exciting news......Sandusky is finally getting a Sonic!! I am thrilled for the happy hour diet cokes!!!!

Today I went to Sandusky to go to the Red Raven bookstore which is closing at the end of the month. I guess the owners are moving to Florida and opening a dog grooming business. Kind of a drastic career change! They had thousands of books in boxes and bins and you filled a bag for $4.oo. I found 2 more Charlie Bone books, several kid early readers, and about 8 books for myself. I could have spent hours going through the boxes. It was so unorganized, but treasures were hidden I am sure!

I had a clutzy moment last week. Anyone surprised? I went out to get the paper and was walking back to the house reading the front page. Apparantly this was a bad idea because I kicked the step and broke my middle toe on my left foot. It hurt! Sean was a little low in the sympathy department on that one. It feels much better now and the swelling has gone down a lot.

Victoria's little girl, Gretchen, turned one yesterday. It seems impossible to me that she is that old already! Time has just flown. She is a beautiful little girl and I have loved getting to watch her grow from the start. Vic and Tim moved shortly after the twins were born and Andrew was born in Willoughby, so I missed out on their early years. I am so glad to get to be here for Gretchen's! What a blessing she is.

Gabe is in the 5th and 6th grade drama club and they are performing The Jungle Book on Tuesday. This is his first time ever in a play, with the exception of church, and I am so excited for him! He is in the elephant troop. I can't wait!!

He also has started orthodontics. Right now he has an expander that Sean turns with a key each day and a bite block. You can't really understand him too well and he drools constantly! He is pretty miserable, but we keep reminding him that it will all be worth it. He has had some bleeding between the two front teeth which I imagine is from the shifting and lots of achiness. The dr. said he expects this process to last 5 months.

The trio are growing like weeds and making me nutsy. They need spring to get here so they can play outside!!

I have much more to say, but laundry is calling.....

Ya'll are a bunch of wise guys....

I thought I would try this again. I still don't know what happened last time, but boy was I steamed! I typed several paragraphs of deep, profound, enlightening information. You know that is true, right?!!
I came to a realization last night. I miss blogworld from 2 years ago. I was rereading old posts while trying to look for a picture and got misty eyed. The posts were newsy, fun to read - at times sad too, and the comment sections were full of jokes, support, laughter inducing quips. I miss that. I miss that on all our blogs. So much has changed. I guess I have to accept that and move on. I can try to be newsy again, I enjoyed rereading those things and being remiNded of forgotten moments.
I am in one of those moods where I hate change. I crave stability and certainty. Ever since my dad died and we started with financial issues I have needed that. When I was in counseling that was something we talked about a lot. Losing my dad and my aunts and then my sister in law made everything feel shaky. I worried so much about death and I still do. Then when the financial security rug was yanked out from under us I just about collapsed. Also when my health went downhill it was another sign that nothing is guaranteed. That was a scary time. I was losing on average 20 pounds a month, couldn't tolerate most foods, and was in unimaginable pain. It was a horrendous time. Not just for me, but for my family. I spent my days in constant fear of the unknown. I remember taking xanax on top of all the other medications and just praying for those 15 minutes it took to take effect. The relief it provided was wonderful, albeit just a temporary bandaid. I lived in fear of everything. I remember coming home after my second abdominal surgery and getting off the couch to go to the bathroom. When I stood up my clothes felt wet and I looked down to see my incision had ruptured because my stomach was so swollen, and fluid was gushing out of the hole in my abdomen and puddling on the floor. That moment I was faced with uncertainty. I had no idea what was happening, it hurt like hell, and I was terrified. I thought I was dying. Another time I was in the hospital and the nurses had overmedicated me. They called Sean and my mom and had them come to keep me awake because if I had gone to sleep I might not have woken back up. Talk about Fear!!! If it had been pills they could have pumped my stomach, but this was IV medication they had overdosed me on. They had me up and walking and turned the speed up on the IV full force to flush my system.
What I am getting at is between the experiences I have had and the loss of so many close to me I can justify my fear of death. I know that the Bible has lots of verses on fear. I have read them all, I just can't find the comfort in them. There are some nights I am terrified to go to bed because I am afraid of not waking up. I have not taken Xanax for years, but do take Ativan on a regular basis. Some days I get so angry at my dad and my sister in law, Angie for dying the way they did. They were examples that tomorrow is not guaranteed.
Well, this post did not go as planned. I have so much more to say and much that has nothing to do with this.
I was trying to say that I miss you all.